RWBY's Nostalgia Commercial Commentaries
by Christopher Spielberg
Summary: Inspired/based on Nostalgia Critic's reviews, this small spinoff focuses on team RWBY, reviewing and criticizing on a ton load of commercials, which some are good, bad, surprising and awkward to name a few (despite Volume 3-present). I DO NOT OWN any characters, rants, reviews or content, just my imaginative idea. Takes place in Beacon. Rated M for language.
1. Commercials! (After These Messages)

**A/N: Like my other story, RWBY's Nostalgia Commercial Commentaries, which focus on team RWBY reviewing good, mediocre or awful films and INSPIRED by the Nostalgia Critic, this is a side spin-off with the same characters but this time they're reviewing on commercials from the 70's, 80's, 90's, 2000's and 2010's. (This takes place despite Volume 4 to present in RWBY).**

 **Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANY SOURCES FROM RWBY, COMMERCIALS OR NOSTALGIA CRITIC IN THIS STORY, only the wonderful idea to make this story great like the parallel fanfic.**

 **Rated T-M for bad words. Enjoy.**

 **VALE**

After a big Friday sleepover hangover together in their dorm room at Beacon Academy, Ruby, Yang, Blake and Weiss were passed out on one of the bunk beds in the now-messy room in Saturday morning, the two couples embracing eating while bags of Doritos, Tostitos, Lays and Cheetos, with Twinkies, Zebra Cakes, M&Ms and Hershey's boxes and bags on the beds.

Ruby and Yang suddenly slumps on the edge of the bed, before the two unconscious sisters fall off to the dorm room ground, before the two sprung and woke up, causing Blake and Weiss to wake up too while the two were still embracing.

"Man...that was a great sleepover we had last night.", Ruby and Yang drowsily said, before the four then notice the fourth wall as Ruby says, "Oh...hello, I'm Ruby Rose..."

"...I'm Yang Xiao Long..."

"...I'm Blake Belladonna..."

"...And I'm Weiss Schnee."

Ruby continued, "I remember it so...", before she eats a chocolate chip cookie on the counter after waking up, "Well, we're sorry, because ever since last night...we did a big hangover with alcohol, junk food and games and such...and we were dreaming of a question we're thinking... What the fuck are we doing in our lives, besides being Huntresses and fighting Grimm while we review movies in the meantime?"

"So, we do what we always do...after a big hangout and being depressed at the same time. We watch old nostalgic TV.", Yang hiccuped and groaned in depression with the other three, as Ruby turns on the TV in depression and drowsiness, which shows a Sgt. Slaughter commercial.

Blake and Weiss both sigh, "Ah, Sgt. Slaughter...you represent a simpler time...when your last name could also represent illegal war crimes...or when your biggest problem was not collecting the latest action set..."

"...Fight the good fight, Sgt. Slaughter...", moaned Ruby in a depressed way, before she grabs a handful of Doritos and eats them, while the next commercial shows Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Yang says, still depressed, "Oh, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pies...we remember where the line Fresh from the Sewer actually sounded appetizing..."

"God...is this the only thing that brings us pleasure after our hangover? Just pure, pathetic nostalgia...?", Blake and Weiss lamented.

Ruby and Yang sobbed, "We're a wreck!", before she then sighed.

"Fucking commercials. What is it about them that draws me to them? They're so conniving, yet so inviting. It's like their in their own little world, a world that wants to be nice to you...but scam you at the exact same time...", Blake and Weiss described while drowsy and depressed again, "...something about them strangely gives us comfort..."

That was when RWBY wasn't depressed and drowsy anymore, as they realize an idea.

"I have an idea. Actually, we could watch these ads all day for a bit. Heck, we could have our own commercial review spinoff of our other series!", Ruby thought.

Yang replied, "Actually...that's not a bad idea. Maybe we need to take a break from nostalgic movies and take a look of the stuff in TV advertisements."

"Sis, can you quickly go get a red formal envelope and a golden ballot in it please?", Ruby asks.

Her sister smiled, "Sure thing, sis. I'm on it!", before she dashes out of the messy dorm room.

"What are you girls doing? Because we have the same idea as you two do.", Blake and Weiss question.

Ruby told her friends, "It's a exciting way to start off reviewing commercials when you get to reveal the title for each session.", before Yang quickly came back with a exquisite velvet red envelope saying Commercials on the front (like the Oscars), with a red Rooster Teeth-engraved symboled wax seal on the back.

"Done, in 30 seconds. Fast.", joked Yang. "Good thing we have the Huntsman Academy."

Blake and Weiss smiled at this before the Belladonna said, "We mean, we loved commercials growing up. They got us excited for all the things from the 70's, 80's, 90's, present. Every time you watched them you felt like you were making a deal with them."

"You buy their products, and they, in return, deteriorate your intelligence and physical health sometimes. Hmph, that's not gonna happen to us.", the Schnee girl says.

Ruby continues, "How could such cunning manipulation go unappreciated? You know what? We're gonna take this whole session, we're just gonna watch some commercials. We have snacks, we're cosy, and this is a tribute to all non-plastic, sugar-coated nonsense that we love growing up.", before she was given the formal red and fancy envelope by Yang, "This is a title reveal for this first commercial review session that is...", before she then opens the red envelope by gently removing the seal on the back, revealing a golden ballot inside.

On that ballot, was the title for their first commercial review.

After the girls looked at the ballot, Ruby reveals, "...After These Messages.", before throwing the envelope and ballot away as she then said, "Here we go!", starting a special commercial intro by team RWBY.

 **Weiss: After these messages... (Yang: ...after these messages...) Blake: ...after these messages... (Ruby: ...after these messages!) All 4: We'll be right back!**

After their short intro, the four then showed a big logo of the title for this chapter, saying;

 **EPISODE 1: Commercials!  
(After These Messages...)**

"Oh, and one more note! We aren't going in any order, or time to get them in any theme, it's just gonna be commercials, commercials, commercials. Which is random, random, random. So let's get started with our first commercial!", Ruby noted, before grabbing the remote as she turns on the TV to another channel, unlike earlier, while Yang, Blake and Weiss smiled at this.

Then shortly, their commercial review began.

* * *

 **APPLE JACKS**

"Ah, Apple Jacks. You remember these commercials, right? It always starts off with a group of kids eating this cereal, and some snooty know-it-all always asks why they like eating it if it doesn't taste like apples, which is a good point. Why the hell doesn't it taste like apples? It's like if Cocoa Puffs tasted like Oak Bran. It's kinda false advertising.", Ruby comments the first commercial, the commercial shows the Apple Jacks with a kid eating the cereal.

Yang chuckles, "Imagine if one of the girls said, _"Yes, we'll see if he's cool by subjecting him to the Apple jacks test."_ , but one of the other girls disagrees and that guy would be like, _"YES. THE APPLE JACKS TEST!"_ , then cue a scene from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade mixed with part of this commercial, and voila.", causing this joke to make Ruby, Blake and Weiss laugh.

"And then they all end with the kids taking a picture together, but my absolute favourite is the caption at the bottom, Apple Jacks '94. Somebody actually looked at this picture and called it Apple Jacks '94, as if to say the least...", Blake mentioned.

Weiss recounts imaginably, "God, I remember that summer. That was the summer of Apple Jacks. The summer where anything was possible. The summer where boys became men and girls became women. THAT, was Apple Jacks. We know. We'd write it in one picture."

"Do you think the kids from It did that, when they all took that picture together, they simply labelled it the summer of Apple Jacks '54?", Ruby questions to her team, shrugging, "Eh, it could happen.", before the rest of the commercial of Apple Jacks was shown before it ends.

* * *

 **POPPLES**

"How about Popples? That was a clever idea. It was a series of sports balls that could be turned into cuddly creatures.", Yang starts off the second commercial, showing kids surprised by having Popples.

Blake criticized, "This raises a few questions, though, like why were they playing with a furry pillow-like doll to begin with? Just, why?", just as Neptune opens the door slightly to check what happened after team RWBY's sleepover hangover.

"Hey, you got our basketball?", Weiss asks Neptune, as the latter thumbs up, giving her a Popples ball, "Oh, wow, that's a hairy ball. It doesn't bounce in the slightest. This will do us well.", the heiress examined, before throwing the Popples ball across the room.

Ruby continues, "And then, of course, when they go after the ball, one says, _"I got a Popple!_ _"_ , well, shit. He's got a supernatural creature that hasn't been discovered by science yet, but where's that darn ball?"

"Also, we felt bad playing with these because we always felt like we were giving the Popples a migraine. We mean, you're kicking them around, throwing 'em, doesn't that hurt? The Popples wouldn't come out normally. They'd look more like hospitalized. We feel VERY sorry for them. But, oh, well. You can't fault it on still being a clever product.", apologized and reviewed Yang, as the end of the Popples commercial is shown.

* * *

 **GIGGLES COOKIES**

"OK. We don't know what the fuck this kid is on, but we want some. No drugs, but more precisely if we'd like some laughing gas.", Blake starts off the review of the third ad, as the four saw two kids giggling.

When the toddler in the commercial was giggling, Weiss supported, "My God, people stoned out of their minds don't laugh this hard!", while the rest of the Giggles Cookies commercial is shown.

"Turn the gas off! Turn the gas off!", answered Ruby and Yang for the kid in the commercial when it is reaching it's end.

Blake heard this, "Ha! Called it.", the Giggles Cookies ad ending with the Nabisco logo.

* * *

 **CROSSFIRE**

"Oh, this ad was unbelievable. This is like, one of the most fucking epic commercials ever put on television.", Weiss said as the start of the Crossfire commercial is shown.

Ruby and Yang surprise, "Look at it! It's set in this apocalyptic future where the fate of the world rests in the hands of two kids who sit at a table and throw marbles at even bigger marbles.", while the Crossfire song is heard in the classical commercial.

"It's like the world of Tron if it was run by Lucas in The Wizard! It's the most badass commercial ever!", rated Blake.

Weiss cheers on, "Go, Billy! The fate of Armageddon lies in your hands!", while the end of the commercial shows one of the two players winning the game and the announcer saying Crossfire, causing team RWBY to burst with excitement and anticipation, before the four members of team RWBY yells skyward.

Blue lightning strikes the four, which causes them to be covered with a bit of smoke, Yang coughing once.

* * *

 **SANTA CLAUS HOTLINE**

"I don't think they do these anymore, but a long, long time ago, they used to have hotlines for everything. Including Santa for the Christmas season, which we're happy about.", says Ruby, the start of the Santa Claus Hotline commercial showing, with fee information for how much it costs every minute and so on.

Yang continued, "Look at that, just $2 for the first minute and only 45 cents every additional minute. It's pretty fucking costily like in the 80's!"

"We always remember, you'd call them up and Santa would talk to you about what you wanna get for Christmas, and how nice or naughty you've been during the holidays of the year. Although, it does eat up time and takes your money.", Blake conversates.

Weiss talked, "Actually, this sort of takes on a different meaning nowadays, doesn't it?"

"When you make a call that costs money, there's usually a different idea behind it, and the idea of Santa being a part of that is pretty...so-so.", Ruby finished the fifth commercial review, the commercial shown ending.

* * *

 **FRUITY PEBBLES  
(Note: I got some for Christmas, not to brag)**

"Speaking of Santa, how many of you get nostalgic like us, whenever you see this commercial every Christmas? It's practically a staple of Christmas now.", Yang starts off the Fruity Pebbles ad review, showing Fred celebrating Christmas with Santa and the cereal Fruity Pebbles, which Barney also joined and shared the cereal with Fred.

Blake and Weiss smiled, "Barney would say, _"Hey, Fred, how can we celebrate Christmas if Jesus isn't born yet?"_ , but no offence, we love Jesus."

"And Fred would say, _"Just eat your fucking cereal."_ ", Ruby and Yang said, finishing the cereal commercial review as the four laughed. "We love Christmas!"

* * *

 **NINTENDO CEREAL SYSTEM**

"Get this; When Nintendo was all the rage, they actually made a Nintendo cereal. Yeah, it wasn't a Mario cereal, or a Link cereal. It was just Nintendo in general. What a weird idea. It's kind of like making Internet: The Cereal, isn't it?", Blake said as the Nintendo Cereal System commercial is shown at the start.

Weiss says afterwards, "Though it would probably the first cereal where you have to be over 18 to eat it."

"And it wasn't just called Nintendo Cereal. It was called the Nintendo Cereal _System_. What the hell does that mean? Do you really have to put the word _System_ at the end? Are we really gonna confuse this Nintendo for another Nintendo?", thought Ruby of the name of the cereal.

Yang also commented as the narrator says the name of the cereal in the ad, "Ohh, they meant Nintendo, the Entertainment System! We thought they meant Nintendo...the Animatronic Horse That Only Eats Toothpaste and Circus Midgets. Very big in Sweden."

"It was kinda cool, because it was technically two cereals in one. That means that there were two bags in each box, like let's say, family sized jumbo boxes of cereal. But we remember it was kind of a pain. Once you open the bag, you can't really close it, so if you open both of them and pour it out, you'll get double the cereal all over the place. Maybe that's why it didn't last long, because half of it was on the floor instead of the bowl. Well, if it had Nintendo on it, you know we were gonna love it anyway.", Blake simply reviewed in conclusion for this ad, as the cereal commercial ends.

* * *

 **BURGER KING KIDS MEAL**

"Just like today, fast food joints handed out toys with their kids meals, and sometimes you get a cup, like these He-Man ones here at Burger King.", Weiss commented at the start of the Burger King Kids Meal commercial.

Ruby told, "They always told epic stories, or, at least as much as they could, being on a cup, but here's our favourite part of the commercial, Yang, if you please."

"Sure, sis. The part was, the kids get the cups, and what do they do? Use them as swords.", explained Yang.

Blake wondered, "Man, those must be some pretty ghetto kids. We mean, was a stick really too expensive to use as a sword, so you have to use these?"

"Were these your birthday gifts right after they took you to their party at the Dollar Store? Hardcore, kids. Really hardcore.", Weiss sarcastically finishes this commercial review again, the ad of the Burger King Kids Meal ending with the Burger King logo.

* * *

 **TOY TRUCKS**

"We don't know what this kid's problem is, but he cracks us up.", Ruby guessed as the start of the Toy Trucks commercial is shown, with the kids playing with the toy trucks as one time he says, 'Bake!'.

Yang tells, "Listen to him. He's taking fun-time just a little too freaking seriously!", before team RWBY start laughing hard when the kid commanded for the Toy Trucks like a foreman.

"Calm down, kid! You're building sand castles and Lincoln logs! You're not a contracted construction worker!", Blake laughed.

Weiss wipes a tear, "Why are these kids even hanging out with him? All he's doing is yelling at them all day! He's like a junior Sam Kinison!", before several clips of the main kid in the ad yelling commands like a construction foreman again.

"YEAH!", team RWBY repeated, before saying the next quote the kid says, "MOVE!", repeating the third quote, "GO!", and lastly with 'Bake!' once again, "BAKE! What?"

Ruby finishes her review on this ad, "The boy would be like, _" **I have to support a wife and kids working with you bozos, so let's get it right!** "_", the commercial ending.

* * *

 **TRANSFORMERS INSECTICONS**

"Hell, yeah! Transformers! These were the coolest toys out there, even if they did take an hour to figure out how the fuck they worked! They were still awesome, and we loved every minute of it. Despite the Transformers movies. The coolest one of these commercials was the Insecticons, the robots that looked like insects.", Yang fist-pumps, the start of the Transformers commercial beginning.

Blake reasons, "Why? Because, goddamn it, we like to think Tom Hanks influenced something in the movie Big.", before a short clip from Big is shown.

"Yeah, we heard this idea, we thought this was awesome! And it kicked ass to suddenly see these things around.", pro-ed Weiss.

Ruby agrees while the commercial shows the Transformers theme song heard, "Something that used to be in every Transformers commercial was an awesome but kind of creepy moment when the kids would say their Robots in Disguise line.", the ad showing a kid saying Robots in Disguise, with glowing green eyes and a low voice.

"Jesus!", spooked Yang in fright with Ruby, Blake and Weiss. "We mean, it's cool, but it's also pretty freaky. It's like the kid got possessed by the Devil or something, but it isn't.", she supposes, the announcer ending the Transformers ad.

* * *

 **CONNECT FOUR**

"Yeah, can't go wrong with this game, and the song, it turns out, was pretty catchy too. If you haven't played this game, then you have no childhood. The game was entertaining then, and it's still entertaining now, if you're waiting for the dentist and they have it in the little toy basket.", Blake admitted at the start of the Connect Four commercial review.

Weiss smiled, "But to be honest, it still counts!", the commercial with the kids singing the Connect Four song.

"Kind of a lame joke they would do is that they would find as many puns they can do with the word four.", Ruby conned, the song in the ad continuing with a knight and a chef joining.

Yang smirks, "Yeah, those were good, but let's see how far we can really push it for this song. Imagine if Aragorn, Abraham Lincoln, Ronnie Barker and a general took part in Connect Four?", the commercial showing the conclusion of the Connect Four song with the four said references appearing as a edit.

"What else can you say about a solid game with a solid ad?", Blake shrugs and asks happily, the ad ending.

* * *

 **CHIA PETS**

"Behold, the most boring thing in the entire freakin' world!", Weiss shouted when the Chia Pets ad starts, "We were fascinated by kids who had Chia Pet. You know how they say something is so boring, that they'd rather watch grass grow? Well, now they made a toy out of it! They made a toy out of watching grass grow!"

Ruby shocked, "That's how bored apparently we got! And just look at the incredible selection they have.", the commercial showing the Chia Pet selections, like teddy bears, puppies, rams, kittens, even Chia trees.

"Tree? They actually put a tree in there? It's already a fucking tree! It does nothing except grow! That's all a tree does!", ranted Yang, the jingle of Chia Pets heard in the ad.

Blake groans, "If you liked it, good for you. But don't be surprised if you have a sudden fascination with Chia Paint Dry. And for the love of God, don't invite your friends over to watch it. It's a complete waste of time. You will be pitied. Like us. For most.", the commercial continuing with the announcer singing Ch-ch-ch-chia.

"Ba-ba-ba-ba-bullshit.", sang Weiss, the other three nodding in agreement.

* * *

 **MICRO MACHINES**

"Oh, this guy named John Moschitta Jr. is awesome! He started off as the Fed-Ex man and moved onto a toy called Micro Machines, which, sadly, we don't think they exist anymore.", started Ruby, the ad showing John Moschitta Jr. presenting the Micro Machine toys in a fast tone.

Yang describes, "This guy is an advertiser's dream come true. He gets out all the information you need in seconds. Literally seconds."

"Every time he came on TV, you felt like you were doing ecstasy. Everything just seemed so fast, that everything else moved in slow-motion after he was done. Besides, it's very confusing and misunderstanding as hell!", Blake facts one of the issues in the ad when it then shows the celebrity talking fast about the Micro Machines description.

Weiss relieves, "Thank God this guy doesn't do audiobooks. That way it would've been much worse if he was talking fast like a sports car.", after a portion of the commercial was shown again, "Me and Blake prefer books better. Even I like coffee and she likes tea."

"We know. The toys were awesome, and this guy was awesome. Let's hope they make a comeback sometime soon, better and less fast.", gleed Ruby as the ad ends with John finishing off by saying the Micro Machines.

* * *

 **ECTO-COOLER**

"Again, speaking of awesome, why the hell is there no more Ecto-Cooler in the world? This was like, the coolest drink ever, and by God, it was the only good thing that snotbubble Smiler ever produced.", Yang reminded when the Ecto-Cooler commercial started.

Blake asks, "Though, speaking of which, what are we supposed to assume that stuff is? We mean, did the best thing to come out of Slimer literally come out of Slimer? It could be ectoplasm, or- Oh my god, we could be drinking Slimer splooge!", fearing the last part.

Weiss jumped into Blake's arms and was disgusted by the thought, "Urgh, we don't want to think about it! That's disgustingly inappropriate. Just think of it as ectoplasm.", as her girlfriend apologizes.

"Ah, screw it. Whatever it was, it was incredible, and it lasted a real long time. But at some point, they discontinued it, and by God, were we pissed off!", enraged Ruby.

Yang rumored, "We also heard there's a new remake of Ghostbusters, and we're telling you right now, if they do not do a crossover with Ghostbusters 3 and bring Ecto-Cooler back, somebody really will be a fucking ghost.", threateningly a bit as the Ecto-Cooler ad ends.

* * *

 **WET BANANA**

"Uhhh...", Blake uncomfortably says when the Wet Banana ad started with the water slip n' slide product's introduction and the kid Billy playing with it. "Okay? Yes, be like Billy and take a ride on the Wet Banana. Sure.", the Faunus girl then said, smiling a bit whilst unsure.

Weiss laughs, "Yes, dripping and sliding is a very good thing to do with your Wet Banana.", agreeing with Blake.

"A very special kinda gang, but yes, slippery wet fun is guaranteed.", philosophies Ruby, about to sip a glass of water, before when the announcer notices a woman slip n' sliding on the Wet Banana, this shocks Yang, Blake and Weiss while Ruby spit takes in shock as well.

Yang acted, "MOM! **Get off my Wet Banana!**...Oh, wait. What would Dad say?"

"Raven and Tai's not here. And my, MY, that's a fucking big banana!", Blake corrected and reacted after they learned that the regular Wet Banana is 25 feet long, while the super slide version is 30 feet long. "Caution. May hurt some women.", she concluded this ad review, with the announcer ends this commercial.

* * *

 **FRAGGLE ROCK PSA**

"We love Fraggle Rock! Then why did you turn it off?", wondered Weiss in the start of the PSA with the boy saying he loves Fraggle Rock after he turned off the TV showing said show.

Ruby and Yang loved this, "Ah, yes, the TV that actually encourages you to read. That's something you don't see very often."

"The TV would be like, _"I'm so confident you won't stop watching me, that I'm just giving you books! You can't rid your addiction of me! I won't die until the Internet's invented! I got 10 more years, suckers!"_ , thanks to PSA meanings.", Blake and Weiss said and pondered, "No wonder. Commercial may be made in the 70's or sometime around that.", before the Fraggle Rock PSA concludes.

* * *

 **MAGIC POTTY BABY  
** **FINAL COMMERCIAL OF THE CHAPTER**

"Oh, God! Not one of these! Quit while you're ahead, commercial! You might be able to see it if you stop now!", Ruby halts once the commercial of Magic Potty Baby starts, and it shows two girls playing with the baby doll, shown peeing on the potty.

Team RWBY grunt in disgust and discomfort, "OH! NASTY!", the announcer in the ad telling the viewer that it's fun to help the baby doll potty.

"No, it's not! IT'S FUCKING GROSS!", Yang replied.

Blake mentioned and supported for Yang, "God, and they can say some boys can be disgusting! Not all of them, but ew!", relating to the magic potty baby.

"Don't kiss it, you don't know where it's been! For sanitary occasions.", Weiss comments the next part when one of the two girls kiss the doll on the cheek.

Ruby finishes up the last commercial of this first chapter when the announcer says the Magic Potty Baby and company before ending the ad, "Just pray that thing doesn't go to Number 2."

* * *

"Okay, so that was our first commercial review. There! We spent all a half-hour not watching nostalgia movies and TV shows. Just commercials.", team RWBY all concluded on their first commercial review chapter.

"Again, I'm Ruby..."

"...I'm Yang..."

"...I'm Blake..."

"...And I'm Weiss."

"We remember it so you don't have to! We hope to do another one of these commercial reviews again! See you guys later!", team RWBY greeted goodbye, "Now that it's over with for today, we should need to clean up our room after last night's sleepover hangover.", the four then said as they start helping clean up the room.

 **End of Episode I: Commercials (AKA: After These Messages...)**

 **This is only the beginning! More review chapter episodes coming soon!**


	2. Return! (We'll Be Right Back)

**VALE**

After team RWBY had done their day in the academy, the four were turning on their dorm room TV again as they greeted in the start of their second session, "Hello, I'm Ruby..."

"...I'm Yang..."

"...I'm Blake..."

"...And I'm Weiss..."

"...we remember it so you don't have to.", Ruby said, "Well, we came back after a long day in Beacon, we got our comfy bed to sit on and watch, got some snacks, a brand-new second envelope with the new title, and all dressed up and ready to go! All of that can only mean one thing; MORE commercials!"

Yang happily told, "Yeah, we guess it is a weird and great idea to review commercials, but like we said before from our first session, they live in their own little world. And they're so much fun to watch and laugh at."

"The 80's and 90's gave our childhoods some really silly products and even sillier ways of advertising them to us.", Blake and Weiss romantically explains in unison.

Ruby announced, "And guess what? We're gonna look at 'em again today!", holding out the red formal and fancy envelope with the Rooster Teeth seal on it, continuing, "So, welcome to our second session of a look back in nostalgic commercials, in a segment that we, from this envelope here, like to call...", before she then opens up the red RT seal on the envelope, pulling the golden ballot up in it, for her, Yang, Blake and Weiss to see.

Again, the ballot had the second title for their second commercial review.

Team RWBY, after they looked at the ballot, Ruby then reveals, "...We'll Be Right Back!", fistpumping, "Here we go!", starting their commercial intro once again.

 **Weiss: After these messages... (Yang: ...after these messages...) Blake: ...after these messages... (Ruby: ...after these messages!) All 4: We'll be right back!**

The four team members then all revealed another big logo for their second session before their review begins, which says;

 **EPISODE 2: Return of the Commercials!  
** **(...We'll Be Right Back!)**

* * *

 **BARBIE CAR**

"Oh, figures that we start on a girl's commercial. Fucking girly ads, they just keep us from our lust of plastic weapons!", Ruby starts off the first commercial of the review, Barbie Car.

Yang afterwards said, "Yes, you can do everything with it. Drive through...glitter, pick up dangerous hitchhikers, pose it against that curious gigantic city backdrop that you have for no reason- It's a girl's dream come true!"

"Actually, the funny thing I realize about this is that, if that car was a little smaller, it'd be a boy's toy. Now how weird is that? You think we'd be all about liking things bigger and stronger, but no. They like them teeny tiny. Have you guys ever noticed that?", questions Blake.

Weiss continued, "We got the huge convertibles, boys got Micro Machines. We got the giant detailed dolls, boys get the little G.I. Joe action figures. We mean, at what point did we look at TV and say, _"Ha! Fuck that giant convertible! That is a man's car."_ , or something like that?"

"What was up with that girl's reaction? It's like she forgot she was supposed to be impressed with the product.", Ruby asked, when seeing a part in the ad where the girl was amazed by the Barbie car.

Yang agreed, "She just sounds so entranced too, doesn't she? It's like, off-screen, the product suddenly turned into an incredible superhero or something."

"Like, _"I'm Batman."_ , because what else can you say but...Barbie?", Blake and Weiss guesses.

At the end of the commercial with the girls amazed by the dolls as the announcer concludes, Ruby admitted, "I would say, _"Wow!"_ , if I was one of the girls in that commercial."

* * *

 **HE-MAN HOTLINE**

"Oh, great. Another 900 number. Again, as if these didn't already have a sexual slant by today's standards, you honestly have to put He-Man in your ads now? Now you're just turning the sexual undertones into sexual overtones.", Yang groans at this hotline ad.

Blake nodded, "If I was He-Man, I would say, _"Fabulous stories about what I may or may not be wearing will be revealed to you when you hold aloft your mighty phone and say, "I GOT PARENT'S PERMISSION! **I...HAVE...PERMISSIOOOOOOOOOON!-!-!-!-!** ""_", before her teammates laughed.

"And yes, PART of your money will go to the science museums.", added Weiss, after laughing, as the commercial shows He-Man and She-Ra explaining more details of their hotline.

Ruby and Yang finish this commercial, "We haven't figured out yet how to make change for a penny, but we'll figure out some percentage.", the ad ending with He-Man saying I Have the Power!, with a caption saying, And Permission!

* * *

 **BUBBLE THING**

"That seems interesting. Two of the boys must say, _"Pfft. Loser. He's new, so we hate him.",_ and then they would say, _"Holy shit, that kid has bubbles!"_ , supposes Blake at the start of the Bubble Thing ad.

Weiss adds when the ad says that Bubble Thing makes people curious, "If I was those kids, I would be saying, _"I was so wrong to judge you, Billy. I was so wrong!"_ "

"That kid be like, _"Hey, Joey! I just got a Nintendo Entertainment System! You wanna play?"_ ", both Ruby and Yang said.

Blake and Weiss include, "And then the other would be like, _"FUCK THAT SHIT, man! That kid has BUBBLES!"_ "

Ruby also laughed, "Imagine if he would say, _"It's like my cruel, abusive family doesn't exist anymore! Thank you, Billy, you changed my life forever! Fucking bubbles."_ ", as the four teammates giggled.

"And what do they call this incredible invention that brings people together? Bubble Thing. Wow, was the marketing guy away from work that day? That's like the most unimaginable name I've ever heard for a product! It's like calling Transformers _Changie Things_! Or G.I. Joes _Army N' Stuff_! Or Hot Wheels _Road Runners R Us_! Way for us to remember the product, guys!", ranted Yang.

Blake finishes up, "But hey, at least it's good.", the end of the commercial showing the Bubble Thing as the Faunus then shouted, "FUCKING BUBBLES!"

* * *

 **ANOTHER HOTLINE**

"A third one?! Oh, Jesus, how many of these call numbers are there?! This one doesn't even look like it's trying!", Weiss argued, the start of the ad showing two sock puppets advertising the hotline.

Ruby and Yang both said as the two sock puppets in the hotline commercial fought, "How much you wanna bet this was just a local pedophile who got on public access and wanted to hear children's voices? In fact, who do you guys think is on the other end, anyway?"

"Uh...Herbert from Family Guy?", Blake and Weiss reference, "Because, if so, he is sick, guys! He is sick!", the two said, before the ad ends with the announcer finishing details.

* * *

 **AFTER BURNER**

"Oh, hell yeah! After Burner was awesome!", Ruby cheered at the start of the Sega game commercial.

Yang pointed out, "You know, the only weird thing about this commercial is the fantasies this kid has. I mean, they're a little confused, aren't they?"

"Plus, the kid would be like, _"Wow! I'm playing a video game that makes me think I'm in a cockpit...playing a video game!"_ ", Blake imagined.

Weiss adds, "Yeah, now if you can only convince Hulk Hogan from Suburban Commando that it doesn't have fucking aliens in it."

"Well, who cares if it has issues? **IT'S AFTER BURNER!** ", excites Ruby and hugging her friends, the end of the commercial announcing After Burner and that the challenge will be there, "Oh, and the announcer will also say even though the challenge will be there, _"But the system will not."_ "

* * *

 **SKIP STIK**

"Hey, girls. Looking for something more needlessly complicated than jump rope?", questioned Yang when team RWBY watches the beginning of the Skip Stik ad.

Blake and Weiss suppose, "Is that the little bitch that always needs to show off to make yourself feel loved? The kind whose mother will threaten the coach's family if you don't get a perfect score? This unnecessary edition to overachieving physical perfection is for you!"

" **SCUM!** ", screamed Ruby and Yang in anger when the ad continues with the announcer claiming that Skip Stik is when you want to show off in front of people, before it ends.

* * *

 **DINO-RIDERS**

"Oh, God, how did this toy never catch on? Listen to this; They were space men who take over the minds of dinosaurs and use them as weapons in their intergalactic war!", Blake told at the start of the Dino-Riders commercial.

Weiss stutters a bit, "H-h-how the fu- THAT'S THE COOLEST IDEA EVER! Like robotic knights or modern-day prehistory!"

"They had a TV show too, but that never went anywhere. Why? We mean, seriously, it's like the best combination of everything boys like! Just throw in cowboys, ninjas, pirates and the annoying of girls for making them feel confusing emotions, and it'd be perfect!", Ruby and Yang explains one of the reasons.

At the ad's conclusion, Blake shrugs, "Oh, well. All we gotta say is, as long as Jeff Goldblum from The Lost World: Jurassic Park, has nothing to do with them, these dinosaurs are awesome!"

* * *

 **YET ANOTHER HOTLINE**

"OH, COME ON! IT'S A FUCKING RABBIT! That counts as a reason to call that number because you show a fucking rabbit onscreen?", Weiss says, annoyed by the start of this third hotline (second in this session) so far.

Ruby groans, "We mean, how lazy can these get with all these hotline ads?!"

"If hotlines ads can be as lazy, they can be like, _"Hello, kids! I'm a table! Would you like to hear an exciting table adventure? 'Cause, you know, tables go on a lot of fucking adventures! So, if you like to hear about me...a table...dial this number, 1-900-IM-A-FUCKING-TABLE. TABLE AWAAAAAAAY!_ _"_ ", Yang exampled.

Blake and Weiss both sigh at the end of the ad when the announcer says to get parent's permission to dial, " _"Preferably while they're asleep."_ , he should add."

* * *

 **COCOA PEBBLES**

"Awesome! Another Pebbles commercial! Fred would say, _"Hey, Fred! It's the same old shtick again, but Cocoa!"_ ", Ruby anticipated the second Flintstones cereal commercial.

Yang, after seeing a bit of the ad, apologizes, "Ok, we're sorry, we gotta address something with these commercials. Here, you got Barney, who's going to these extreme lengths to get Fred's cereal. ...Why doesn't he just go to the fucking store? We mean, my God, it's incredibles the lengths he'll go to. We mean, his face is on the fucking box! You think he'd be able to get a few free ones every once in a while!"

"And for that matter, why does Fred keep eating into his habit? Why doesn't he just crack and tell him what he really needs to do?!", Blake and Weiss agree and corrected.

Ruby and Yang both said, "If that would happen, Fred be asking him like, _"Okay, Barney, uh, before I chase you around in some comedic routine, I-I just want to ask you one thing. Look at yourself. Just really, look at yourself. I mean, my god, Barney. My God. You're a pathetic wreck. I mean...that stage alone. How much did that cost you? Hundred, maybe, thousands of dollars. And...you keep doing this every week! Week after week, you blow your own money away when you could be spending time with your family! This is why you're defaulting on your mortgage, Barn. This is why Betty has to strip."_ , and Fred then would take out some money for Barney, _"Here's, there's, uh...$20 dollars. That's... That's good for a couple boxes. Go. Go to the store. Get a few. Enjoy yourself. ...You have a problem, Barn. You have a real problem, and it needs to be addressed. I mean, seriously, Barn, what is it about my cereal that sets it apart from other cereals?"_ "

"And Barney would answer him while smiling, _"'Cause it came from your wife's box."_ ", heartedly and hardly laughed Blake and Weiss, hugging each other in romance.

Ruby and Yang smirks, "And Fred says back in a badass way, _"Ok, Barn, you're going down."_ , BEFORE HE PULLS OUT HIS GUN AND CHASES HIM FOR HIS COCOA PEBBLES, _"I'll make you eat your wife's box!"_, END QUOTE!", the four team members of RWBY dying with laughter and happiness, the end of the Cocoa Pebbles ad shown.

* * *

 **SMOOSHEES**

"Huh? What?", Yang stops laughing with Ruby, Blake and Weiss when seeing the start of the Smooshees commercial. "Maybe it's us, but this commercial seems ungodly cruel."

Blake and Weiss thought of the horror, "We don't wanna even know what has happened to those Smooshees. We feel bad for them."

"Yeah. It's best if we watch this through...", Ruby and Yang considered, the four watching the conclusion of the Smooshees advertisement.

* * *

 **TOOTSIE-ROLL POP**

"Here's a classic. It has a great setup and a great punch line, with animation similar to both the Peanuts cartoons and SchoolHouse Rock! It's a wonderful commercial.", Blake said at first at the Tootsie-Roll Pop ad's start.

Weiss, as the girls watch more of the commercial showing Mr. Owl and Mr. Turtle interacting with a boy, "But, you see, we don't think that's the real question here. We think the real question is, WHY THE HELL IS THIS BOY NAKED?! Nobody addresses this?"

"Yeah, even the turtle, when he first comes out, is like, _"What the fuck? Put on some clothes, boy! I can see your junk!"_ ", Ruby imagined.

Yang secondly said, "The other scene we like on the other hand, is when the owl opens his eyes. We don't know, are we the only ones who find it a little creepy? Like, let's say, The Terminator? Finding out Mr. Owl to be a T-300 actually is a bit scary."

"Well, it's still a classic commercial anyway. And the important thing is about this ad, is that we always look forward to watching it whenever it's on, despite all the bad things about it or not.", Blake finishes this ad as it ends.

* * *

 **MCDONALD'S**

"Oh, yeah. This is part of those McDonald's commercials that try to advertise to the teen demographic. We guess they were trying to make the McDonald's logo arches a household symbol.", summarized Weiss at the beginning of McDonald's ad.

Ruby continued, "Yes, this not only shows that you can do one-fourth of the YMCA song, but also proof that your mother drank while she was pregnant with you!"

"Seriously, how the hell would you react if someone just came up to you and did the McDonald arches, forming the M over your head with both arms while standing still?", questioned Yang.

Blake again imagines, "I bet that one of two people would say hi, but kept sputtering, and the other says, _"Spit it out, man! What is it?"_ , who the other man kept sputtering and forms the McDonald's arches while still standing, before the second yells after a moment or two, _"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"_. That, is what's wrong with this commercial."

"Huh. Nothing much else you can say, but...do the arches.", Weiss shrugged, the end of the commercial showing a monkey standing on a park bench and does the McDonald's arches.

* * *

 **ZELDA RAP**

"Really? We're giving Zelda, a mystical story about a faraway land, a rap song?", Ruby exclaims in shock at the start of the Zelda Rap commercial.

Yang admitted, "Oh, boy! This guy in this commercial and Kazzam the genie should do a duet together."

"It's not even the worst; It's just...the idea of giving a fantasy game a rap seems really silly to us.", Blake opinions.

Weiss noted, "We mean, you know in Japan where the game originated, they probably treated it with a lot more respect, and is a LOT better than this.", as the four team members of RWBY watched the Japan version of Zelda Rap, the four confused, shocked and then happy when hearing the catchy rap in Japan's version.

"Well, excuse me, princess!", joked and rapped Ruby at the end of the ad.

* * *

 **GRAPE ESCAPE**

"Ok, yeah, you know how they always say that TV and movies are rotting your brain? There's just too much violence? Why don't you go play a board game or something? Yeah, all right, take a look at this board game!", wondered Yang, as the commercial shows one of the clay grape's head being cut off during the board game. "WHAT THE?!"

"MOTHER OF GOD!", screamed Blake and Weiss as they embraced each other when seeing this.

Ruby even yelled when seeing another grape get squashed by a boot, "GOOD LORD!"

"Seriously!", Yang was shocked by this commercial as the girls watched this to the end, "Grape Escape?! The main thing that's wrong is that it's because killing things that are smaller than you GIVES YOU POWER.", cringing to the last part with Ruby, Blake and Weiss, before they finish reviewing the ad.

* * *

 **GUESS WHO?**

"Oh, yeah, you all know this game and all have a great time playing it, like other classic and fun games.", Blake memorized when the Guess Who? ad starts, "Like most kids, though, we, team RWBY, always wanted to take the game a little further."

Weiss asks the first request, "Is your person Jewish?", as a boy in the commercial answered no.

"Has your person slept with mommy?", Ruby and Yang both asked, a girl this time answering yes in a uh-huh way, "And it'll be all so funny if Jules Winnfield from Pulp Fiction asks if he looks like a bitch!"

Blake and Weiss came up with the third question, "Is your person serving time for multiple homicides?", getting the answer of yes from the boy in the Guess Who? commercial.

"Is your person the subject of several disturbing documentaries?", Ruby and Yang ask their last question, once again getting yes, "Congratulations! You're Charles Manson! It's a joke, by the way."

Blake finishes up when the end of the commercial happens with the announcer saying Guess Who? and that game cards do not actually talk, "If they do, you should probably seek help."

* * *

 **BURGER KING KIDS MEAL #2**

"Really? They went from He-Man cups that you're supposed to swordfight with to environmentally aware trading cards?", sarcastically said Weiss, the commercial with Burger King starting again, considering the differences between the first and second Burger King commercials they've watched.

Ruby and Yang answer the fact that there's 17 cards in 4 albums and one for each kids' meal, "And this is why you'll never be as popular as Happy Meals!"

"Actuals odds of getting assaulted by a gorilla in a Burger King are now only 1 in 5. Still feel bad for those people who were actually assaulted by a gorilla in real life.", sorries Blake and Weiss, the end of the second Burger King advertisement shown.

* * *

 **CORN POPS**

"Oh, yeah. Remember these commercials?", Ruby quizzed at the start of the Corn Pops cereal ad, "Always starring the mentally tormented kid who has a fucking fetish for a children's cereal?"

Yang summarizes, "It always starts off with some kid discovering there's no Corn Pops, and then we take a disturbing look into his deep, dark psyche.", as the four watch more into the cereal commercial.

"These kids are freakin' nuts! We mean, if you were watching this, you'd think it was something out of a scary film or a psychological thriller or something.", Blake honestly points out.

Weiss grins, "That kid must have said, _"Pops! I gotta have my Pops!"_ "

"And then he'd say, _"You're TEARING ME APART, Corn Pops!"_ ", laughs Ruby with her three friends, referencing one of the worst movies ever, The Room. "Man, that The Room movie was horrible.", she then says as the four watch the end of the cereal commercial.

* * *

 **FUN FRUIT TREES**

"Ah, yes. The Fun Fruit Trees.", Yang presumed.

Blake guesses, "We guess the idea behind these things was that...we don't know. You make them laugh, and they drop Fun Fruit candies."

"We don't know. We always find these things a little creepy. We mean, REALLY creepy.", warned Weiss.

Ruby joked around again, "Point taken. I must say, _"You're TEARING ME APART, Fun Fruit Trees!_ _"_ , and again, that movie The Room was terrible."

"They just seem unnatural. Every time they appear, we keep thinking they're gonna do something out of an Evil Dead movie. Yeah! Fucking scary.", Yang admitted again, with her friends agreeing before the Fun Fruit Trees ad concludes.

* * *

 **SONG OF THE SOUTH TV SPOT**

"Oh, boy. Better enjoy this movie while you can, folks. 'Cause, sadly, you will NEVER see it in theatres again! It's actually a great film, in our opinion.", Blake said at the start of the Disney movie's, Song of the South, tv spot.

Weiss cried tears of joy, "Oh, we love this movie! This was one of the most cheerful combinations of animation and live-action back then!"

"The announcer would say during this, _"Did we mention that even though we're only showing the animated scenes, they're about as long as this commercial?"_ , said Ruby.

Yang smiled, "That's right! The rest is live-action, and dealing with incredibly slow-moving racial relations. Honestly, we don't like racism. Faunus is people too. We still wonder if this movie is still fun for kids."

"Thanks, girls.", Blake blushes, Weiss planting kisses on her face, "But not to mention, the announcer would narrate, _"Warning, this Academy Award-winning movie Disney would soon be ashamed of. It may or may not be racially insensitive, honestly, it's so hard to tell, but Disney's not gonna take that chance, anyway. See the film that millions of people around the world are calling...OKAY!"_ ", before the movie's TV spot finished.

* * *

 **CABBAGE PATCH KID TWINS**

"All right, this is an ad for Cabbage Patch Kid Twins.", Weiss correctly guessed.

Ruby agreed, "Yeah, it's innocent enough, but look at how this ad begins.", as the commercial's beginning shows a dad calling the mom (wife) a grandma.

"Now, what if, for the sake of argument, she didn't know this was a joke? If your husband called up and said that your daughter, would you react so pleasantly?", Yang imagines.

Blake examples, "If the dad says the wife is now a grandma, she'd be like, _"What? WHAT?! Baby, who touched you?! Who knocked you up?! Frank, please tell me what's happening? Have you called the authorities?"_ "

"Yes, and then she says, _"Frank, did you try to hang up on me? It's still on the hook! Give me some answers, damn it! It was Uncle Bill, wasn't it? I knew his checkered past would ruin this family! Oh, God! My little baby girl's been deflowered! I don't want to live! I DON'T WANNA LIVE!"_ ", accepted Weiss while the end of the Cabbage Patch Kid Twins ad was displayed.

* * *

 **THE WUZZLES**

"Remember the Wuzzles? These toys were so popular, they got their own Disney TV show. And who can blame them? These were toys that combined two kinds of animals, like half hippo and half rabbit. Nothing really wrong with these, except for one lyric that drives us nuts.", Ruby reviewed at the start of the commercial.

Yang remembered, "All right, that was okay. And that was good, too."

"CHEATER!", yelled Blake during the commercial when the four girls notice the girl in the Wuzzles ad when she misspoke a animal. "Cheater, cheater, cheater! Sorry. She misspoke."

Weiss calmed Blake and then said her opinion, "Really? They couldn't come up with something to rhyme with roo? That's got to be one of the easiest words to rhyme!"

"Let's try this song. **_I got a Wuzzle, I'm gonna snuggle, so much he can do!_** See, isn't that hard?", Ruby and Yang wisely said.

Blake and Weiss answer, "It's incredibly easy! Or how about... _**I got a Wuzzle, I'm gonna snuggle, we don't care about rhyming!**_ Buy our shit, they would say."

"Oh, well. It's still a clever idea either way.", Ruby shrugged and smiled, the end of the commercial with information shown.

* * *

 **NERF GUNS**

"Oh, God, this boy is fucking nuts!", exclaims and said Yang, as the four saw the start of this Nerf ad.

Blake asked, "And where the hell is this kid? It's like he's in the lair of a Batman villain like in Batman, Returns, Forever, & Robin, or even the Nolan movie trilogy!"

"That tough boy in the commercial would be like, _"Yes. No waiting."_ , and he would shoot everywhere saying, _"Die! Die! Anybody die! Nerf will leave none alive."_ , Weiss quoted.

Ruby reacts in surprise with the other three girls in a part where a modified Howie scream is heard, "WHAT IN REMNANT, KID! We thought this was just a game!"

"And in the end, it's Nerf or nothing? And we must say, by nothing, we mean **DEAAAAAAATH!** ", roared Yang at the end of the Nerf ad with enthusiasm.

* * *

 **ALIENS TOYS**

"All right, Aliens! Now we're talking! James Cameron is a masterful director of Aliens, Terminator 1 & 2, The Abyss, Titanic, even Avatar! Oscar-winning film for sure!", Blake excites in the beginning of the Aliens toy commercial.

Weiss states during it, "Wait, wait, wait, w-w-w-w-w-wait. The ultimate space marine is named Atax? It sounds like...discount tampons you get in the dollar store."

"And oh, really? An alien disguise suit? Why didn't they think of that before? This may never have been used in the movies at all!", Ruby facts out.

Yang impersonates, "If I was the command officer in Aliens, I would say, _"All right, marines. Here's the plan; We are gonna dress up in alien costumes, get a bunch of garbage bags and the world's biggest...you-don't-want-to-know, and we are going to sneak into the alien's nest. They don't have any eyes, so they'll never be able to spot us. Any questions? Yes, Hudson? And shut up!"_ "

"Ah, yes, and bottling! Yes, of course, alien costumes and bottling! This is the future of our military, folks!", Blake snapped her fingers to this as the commercial makes it to it's conclusion, "If this is how it's gonna look, I think Hudson said it best. You know what this movie says in one part, Game over, man!"

* * *

 **JOHNSON BOAT**

"What? ...What?", Weiss confused at the start of the Johnson Boat ad with the singer singing, You, your mate and your Johnson.

Ruby t-o-ed, "WHOA! HEY! KEEP IT CLEAN! Gah, it's a disturbing commercial. Does it get any creepier than that?"

"And then your wife found out what you were doing with your Johnson and...well, let's just say, you and your Johnson won't be hanging out with your kids anymore.", Yang thought.

Blake says, "Commercials like this do make you wonder, though. Are they aware what's going on? We don't know, we almost think they planned this so that people will talk about their product more, like, they meant for it to have a double meaning. But we don't know, maybe we're sounding like conspiracy nuts."

"We mean, again, can you think of any other commercial that can be taken the wrong way so easily?", Weiss ideas and asked, the ad ending.

* * *

 **WUNDER BONER  
FINAL COMMERCIAL OF THE REVIEW**

"OKAY!", screamed Ruby when the four girls react in shock to this commercial for the Wunder Boner fishing tool. "You want to know what we're talking about! Nobody's that naive!"

Yang reasoned, "You're trying to play all that innocent when you know that everyone's gonna be snickering at your commercial, and thus, remembering your product better."

" **A-YOOOOOOUUUU KNOOOOOOOW!** ", blurted Blake during the commercial.

Weiss blamed on the ad, "You know what we're talking about, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

" **STOP SAYING THAT!** ", pleaded Ruby when they heard the Wunder Boner word again, "We don't care if your wife would like one of those, just...keep your fucking Wunder Boner to yourself!"

Yang supported, "We mean, seriously! You can't even say that word without having somebody crack up!"

"Like, Wunder Boner.", Blake examples, an audience laugh track heard.

Weiss pointed with her thumb, "You see?"

" **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! NO! NOOOO! CUT TO SOMETHING ELSE!** ", begged team RWBY, the end of the Wunder Boner fishing tool commercial shown finally, concluding their second commercial review session at last, as the team relieves.

Ruby finishes off the second commercial review, "Phew. All right, guys. Fucking Wunder Boner is where we cross the line. This was our look at our second commercial review session. I hope you guys had a lot of fun, thanks for joining us and...we hope that...you, and your Johnson and your Wunder Boner had a fantastic evening. Anyways, we're team RWBY, I'm Ruby..."

"...I'm Yang..."

"...I'm Blake..."

"...and I'm Weiss."

RWBY all said, "We remember it so you don't have to... Wunder Boner. Really?", they also ask themselves, getting up from the chairs before they resume their duties for their day in Beacon.

 **End of Episode II: Return of the Commercials (AKA: ...We'll Be Right Back!)**

 **A third one is coming!**


	3. Revenge! (!)

**VALE**

Once again for the third time, team RWBY returns from their work in Beacon to their dorm room again with their snacks, chairs and the formal red envelope with the Rooster Teeth red seal containing the new title for this third session, introducing themselves, "Team RWBY. Ruby.", "Yang.", "Blake.", "...and Weiss."

"Hey, kids! You wanna waste some time? You must if you're hearing this! It's time to review some commercials!", Ruby said at first.

Yang sighs in pleasure, "Yes, the commercials of the 80's and 90's are back, here to give us that joyfully awkward world of colorfully selling out."

"Oh, what joy these bring. Even the worst ones can manage to summon a smile to the nostalgic mind. We love 'em, we love 'em, we love 'em.", continued Blake and Weiss.

Ruby says for her friends in conclusion for their session beginning, "And we're going to look at 'em again for the third time today. So, seeing how our first commercial session was called After These Messages..., and the second and previous one was called ...We'll Be Right Back, this one is gonna be entitled...", before the huntress honorably opens the red formal envelope by opening the RT seal for the third time, opening the envelope and pulling out the golden ballot for her, Yang, Blake and Weiss to look.

The ballot, like the other two times, had the title for their third commercial review session.

Team RWBY was a bit surprised and confused at the same time, looking up towards the audience readers, Ruby revealing the third title, "...Exclaimation Point. But we'll just go with !.", before she then says in enthusiasm, "Anyways, here we go!", starting their commercial review intro like the last times.

 **Weiss: After these messages... (Yang: ...after these messages...) Blake: ...after these messages... (Ruby: ...after these messages...) All 4: ...we'll be right back!**

The team RWBY, for the third time in a row, reveals the logo for their third commercial session review.

 **EPISODE 3: Revenge of the Commercials!  
** **(!)**

* * *

 **E.T. BOARD GAME**

"Oh, God! At last!", Ruby enjoyed the first commercial already, showing Steven Spielberg's E.T. shown as a board game, watching more into the commercial with the other three, "But really? We're including flying in a board game now? We love the movie, but you know, moving from square to square doesn't technically count as flying."

Yang imagines, "Imagine if playing an Omega Virus board game would be like, _Hmm, move two spaces. OOHHH, I'M FLYING, I'M FLYING, I'M FLYING!_ , flying around the board game before landing back down on a space. _Ohh..._ Then going back up and moving whilst flying again."

"Sometimes you can fly. Wow, indeed, easily-impressed little boy. Flying is a great imagination of the wonders of magic, beauty, wonder, romance and even discovery!", said Blake as the Faunus saw another part of the E.T. commercial.

Weiss comments, "The one that helps E.T. the most wins? More like, and the loser has to play the video game! E.T.'s video game sucked, but the movie's worth it."

"Yeah, even though we see no reason to make a board game of E.T., this commercial does manage to capture the magic and drawn-out boredom of the original in a few parts. But overall the movie was amazing. And the E.T. card game?", Ruby concluded her review on this E.T. commercial, before finishing up, "Oh, yeah, we'd love to see E.T. in a card game."

* * *

 **CABBAGE PATCH KIDS**

"Oh, great. More from the world's ugliest pin cushions.", facepalmed Yang while Ruby, Blake and Weiss were unsatisfied with the Cabbage Patch Kids ad as it starts.

Blake watched more of this ad and said when the father off-screen notices the baby crying real tears, "Well, no shit, you're squeezing her hand, you sadist!"

"Whoa! I guess her shockwave kiss solved everything.", Weiss said when the girls saw the girl kiss her baby doll.

Ruby shrugs, "We guess we never got that about our gender's toys. Why would you want a baby to cry all the time? We mean, laughing or giggling, okay, that we understand. But crying? That's a royal pain! If that happens all the time, it'll be like, _"This is just what I wanted to do ever since I was a little girl."_ , the baby would cry and I would yell, _"SHUT UP!"_ , though it would be very harsh to say that. I'd never do that to a baby, neither any of us."

"And we guess as is the way of things, you give birth and raise a little girl so you could immediately prepare her from childhood to start doing the same thing. Hey, if we raised a kid who didn't blink and looked like a deflated potato, we don't think we'd win Parent of the Year.", Yang suggested as she liked the idea of loving Ruby and Blake loving Weiss, which this idea could make them a conjoined and actual bigger family, more than ever. The other three had the same idea and penned it for later.

The ad then ends with the announcer saying the Cabbage Patch Kids and info on it.

* * *

 **GRAPE NUTS**

"We love this commercial, because you literally have no idea what it's advertising until they just say it.", glees Blake when this commercial came on.

Weiss agreed with her girlfriend, "All you know is that whatever it is, it gives you a great lust for life."

"Oh, Grape Nuts! Of course! Because when we think of appreciating all the miracles this life has to offer, we think of a cereal that tastes like cardboard and feels like shitting needles.", Ruby and Yang realize and says.

Blake finishes up for this commercial, "Yes, clearly, this is a woman who has it good. She's on vacation at a log cabin all by herself, no friends, no family, sipping the last drop of the most boring cereal the world has ever created. Clearly, this is the closest thing to nuts that's she ever going to get to touch.", before it ends.

* * *

 **HANES UNDERWEAR**

"Because this is who you trust with your underwear, right, guys?", Weiss shocked when the four see this underwear ad.

Ruby describes, "A bunch of aging old lesbians who like to snap your band like it's a prostitute's bra strap."

"Ugh! Seriously, we actually love each other honestly, but with me loving Ruby romantically both as a lover and as a half-sister, not actually bad, and Blake loving Weiss, like Black and White or Yin and Yang, which we two sisters find cute as well, there isn't one guy in there! It feels a little odd.", confesses Yang about her and Blake's romances with the respective Ruby and Weiss.

Blake imagined, "We mean, how would you like it if nothing but men were looking at women's underwear all day? We don't wanna know."

"Well, we guess if the Hanes fits, wear it.", sighed Weiss, the Hanes ad ending.

* * *

 **KOOL-AID KOOLERS**

"Wait a minute, what?", confused Ruby at the start of the Kool-Aid commercial, "This is juice that's 20% juice? Well, what the hell's in the rest of it?"

Yang demonstrated, "The announcer would say, _"That's right, kids! 20% juice! It also includes 50% corn syrup, 20% Yellow Number 5 and 10% God we don't know what, but the FDA was asleep. Drink it while it's still unidentifiable!"_ "

"They're just so happy about it, too!", laughed Blake cheerfully, "Is it really worth celebrating your one-fifth of your product is actually what you say it is? It's a little disturbing!"

Weiss refers, "It's like advertising Pepsi, now with 20% soda and 80% rusty nails, or Quaker Oats, now with 20% oats and 80% Donald Rumsfeld!"

"Right. Oh, well. If Chicken McNuggets can make a big deal about having white meat chicken in here, I guess anything worth's celebrating.", okayed Ruby, the Kool-Aid commercial ending.

* * *

 **LEGO MANIAC**

"Ah, yes! Zack, our favorite LEGO Maniac.", Yang loved during the beginning of the LEGO Maniac ad, "Or...was it Jack? Wait a minute, is it Jack or Zack? Here, it's spelled Zack, but in this commercial, you definitely hear a J."

Blake agreed, "In fact, is that even the same kid? My God, it's like they just produced these children in the same factory that made child singers!"

"So, obviously, there was a ton of commercials based on this legendary LEGO Maniac, but it does make us wonder what this iconic toy god among children went on to do.", explained Weiss, "We mean, where do you think he is now?"

Ruby and Yang shrug, "Well, we'll still remember him in this timeless commercial in the most likely unhealthy obsession he probably had.", hoping as the ad ends.

* * *

 **GHOSTBUSTERS TOYS**

"Has anybody noticed that the Ghostbusters toys were some of the most creative toys ever made? We mean, look at these! These were so freaking awesome back in the days!", Blake said at the start of the Ghostbusters toy commercial.

Weiss thought, "And as you'd imagine, they were advertised well, too. But we have to admit, there is one part that just rubs us the other way.", before the girls see a part in the commercial where a blue ghost puts the Squidsqueal ghost into a man, "...Are we the only ones who's disturbed that that's possible rape? We mean, it's not like we didn't see the ghosts in the movies do something like this, so we find it very unnerving."

"Hey, look on the bright side, my body would do that too, if Boo Berry was doing me from all sides!", happily smiled Ruby, "And now, because we don't know any better, let's see the #1 best out of context Ghostbusters line to be associated with this commercial, and that is..."

Yang revealed, " _"That's a big Twinkie."_ Play us off, Paul!", before the four dance in their chairs to Paul Shaffer's band.

"So, despite the fact that this scene is a little risque, the Ghostbusters toys were some of the best toys out there, and the commercials always know it. All of it.", Blake gladly reviewed the conclusion for this commercial before it reaches the said conclusion.

* * *

 **LITE BRITE**

"Yeah, we think every kid, at some point, had a Lite Brite.", brightly said Weiss during the beginning of the Lite Brite ad, "We don't know what it is, maybe it's the jingle, maybe it's just a cool idea, but everyone remembers this toy."

Ruby glared, "And, of course, every single kid in the entire world did the exact same thing. They made dirty pictures with it, though!", hating the idea of inappropriate uses of Lite Brite.

"Don't act like they didn't do this! Every little kid did! Breasts, private parts, and anything else we thought was naughty, made on the Lite Brite screen!", Yang angered as her eyes turn red for a few seconds.

Blake calms quietly and said, "It was like the kid's version of Craigslist. Nothing but perversion as far as the eye can see. Our personal favourite is when they used it to spell out words, but it was always nice stuff, like Happy Birthday, or Here's Suzy- Couldn't they use it for more inventive scenarios?"

"Glad to love it, my lovely Blake.", Weiss complimented, "Even if we didn't use it correctly, Lite Brite was, and always will be, a pretty cool toy. And this is a pretty cool commercial to go along with it.", she concludes their review of this ad as it finished.

* * *

 **GOLDEN CRISP**

"Hey, it's the continuing adventures of Sugar Bear! Kids nowadays may not know this, but cereal commercials back then were actually sort of like, well, serials. There were soap operas with cliffhangers and lingering stories. Half of the commercials always ended with, To Be Continued. And it was sugar-coated awesomeness! But by far, one of the weakest ones has to be with Sugar Bear.", reviewed Ruby when the ad for the Golden Crisp began.

Yang sarcastically glared again, "Well, gee, what the fuck do you think's gonna happen? Golly, could it be like every other commercial where he just eats the goddamn cereal and saves the day? Is that even a possibility?"

"Look at that!", Blake noticed as the four girls watch a part of the ad where they showed flipbooks included in the cereal, "They just showed you what happened through flipbooks! They don't give a shit, they know what we know, so might as well just come out and display it on flipbooks then for continuations!"

Weiss rants, "We mean, is it even worth going through the flipbook to see what happens? We mean, we all know what the outcome's gonna be! Go to the last page! We all know what's gonna happen!", before the heiress thought of a violent continuation and gasps in realization, "Oh, my..."

"Well, whatever it was. We don't care. We still love Sugar Bear, and we look forward to him kicking some more ass with his laid-back attitude. But...let's go to the next commercial.", said Ruby as the cereal ad concludes.

* * *

 **POP-TARTS**

"Ahh, Pop-Tarts commercials were always the staple of the 80's and 90's, with it's retro fashion and music. And, of course, that confusing-as-hell tagline.", Yang relaxed when the Pop-Tarts commercial came up.

Blake enraged at the confusing tagline, "So hot, they're cool, so cool, they're hot- WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!? How can something be so hot, it's cold, so cold, it's hot? It's like saying they're so great, they suck, they shut, so they're great; we kinda get it, but we don't understand how or why?"

"Yeah, it's like one of those Zen riddles you're never supposed to really figure out.", Weiss nodded.

Ruby quoted and says, "Oh, and the announcer can say, _"Explosive_ radiation!"; God, those things aren't fucking around. That nearly took her head off! Look at that, I think bits of her brain flew off here!"

"Can't imagine a mutilated student coming to class due to Pop Tarts. Let's not talk about that.", Yang winked at Ruby and smiled at her friends, the commercial concluding.

* * *

 **TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES TOYS**

"Alright, now we're talking! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys! They're a favorite, even for us!", Blake cheered with her three friends.

Weiss questioned when they look more of the toy ad, "Wait a minute, what was his name? You Suckey your- What?! That sounds a little perverted!"

"Actually, even Leatherhead sounds a little dirty, even though he's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre villain. It sounds like the name of a gimp from an S&M dungeon.", Ruby preferred before the girls heard the announcer say more amazing details about the toys, "...We just thought we'd remind you that the turtles eat pizza!"

Yang said, "As much as we love the turtle toys and the commercials, there was always one thing that drove us nuts. They never got the same voice for Shredder! The voice for Shredder in these commercials was never the same voice as from the show. We mean, they didn't even try!", criticizing the voice for Shredder.

"That sounds NOTHING like the original Shredder! Hey, while they're at it, why don't they go with this voice, a guy from the awful The Room movie? Awful.", Blake hated this fact, before the ad for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys ending.

* * *

 **BARBIE DANCERS**

"Yes, notice how the Barbie, in no way, involves bending your arms or legs?", Weiss noticed when the four see the start of the Barbie Dancers commercial.

Ruby slaps her head, "Oh, God! Even that was too complicated for the doll to do! Look, for the dancing doll, couldn't you allow just a little bit more movement outside of the _I'm trying to step on a bug while I have a headache_ move?"

" _"Ooh, a spider! God, I need aspirin!"_ ", mocked Yang at this commercial, "Oh, and Paula Abdul, now THAT would be interesting."

Blake smirks, "She'd say, _"Oh, you know, y-you're trying. I know you're trying so hard, but, honey, I don't think you're Barbie material."_ "

"Yeah, love! She would then continue, _"Oh, no, YOU be quiet! You be quiet, it's all made up. You wanna make out?"_ to Simon Cowell.", agrees Weiss, before this Barbie commercial concludes.

* * *

 **HOT WHEELS**

"Pop...Tarts...we...presume?", both Ruby and Yang start off this Hot Wheels ad when hearing a slight reference to Pop Tarts, before realizing, "Oh my god, we hated these things! Anyone who had these, you got gypped. Ok, so these cars don't run unless you put these spotlights on them, and there's your problem! Why would you want to do that?"

Blake ranted in anger, "What are they, solar powered cars? Who thought this up? So that means every time you put the light on it, it moves a centimeter, and you have to have that stupid light on it the whole entire time or it doesn't move! And trust us; it's a LOT harder than it looks! You get it to move a centimeter, then another centimeter, and then you throw the goddamn thing away!"

"Oh, and you got those bridges where it always got stuck. Guess why? Because the fucking light wouldn't shine through! So you always had to push it with your fucking toe or something! GOD, WE HATED THIS TOY!", gritted Weiss in anger as well.

Ruby thumbs down, "Bullshit!"

"Bullshit!", Yang said in anger.

Blake yelled, "Bullshit!"

"Bullshit!", said Weiss.

Ruby and Yang said and shouted the loudest for the last part, "And now, you're ripping off Pop Tarts! Who does that?! **BULLSHIT!** ", the Hot Wheels ad ending.

* * *

 **TRANSFORMERS PRETENDERS**

"Alright, Transformers again!", Blake and Weiss loved as they cuddled and canoodle a bit with Ruby and Yang smiling at this next improving commercial for Transformers.

Ruby and Yang question when the four hear about the classics now being Pretenders, "Wait, what? Wait, they're people now...w-what, now they're robots...they're dinosaurs too? What? Wha-hey, n-now they're cars? What? Wait, how is this classic? We don't remember this. Wait, why are they people? We don't get that. Who are they? We-", before the girls saw the end of the Transformers commercial already.

"Well, that cleared everything up. Buy that!", Blake and Weiss get the point, "On to the next!"

* * *

 **TEDDY RUXPIN**

However, this commercial happens to be a strange familiarity for team RWBY. The four peeled their eyes to see what it was, before they saw Teddy Ruxpin.

"GAAH! THE DEVIL!", suspected team RWBY, pointing at the Teddy Ruxpin teddy bear in the ad.

The Teddy Ruxpin bear's eyes suddenly turned red and had an evil demonic voice, saying to team RWBY, " **I haven't forgotten about you, team RWBY!** "

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!", shrieked and screamed team RWBY in fright, Ruby and Yang helping turn the ad off with the remote to the next commercial while Blake and Weiss embraced each other.

* * *

 **ALPHA-BITS**

"Okay, we're sorry, we don't know about Teddy Ruxpin, but we had a feeling that something was wrong with that bear. We haven't even seen him before, we believe. Well, at least he's gone now. Let's look at this Alpha Bits ad-", team RWBY apologize, looking at the beginning of the Alpha-Bits commercial...

...but Teddy Ruxpin appears out of nowhere again, with red eyes and a demonic voice!

" **RWBY!** ", roared Teddy Ruxpin.

Team RWBY yelped and gasped as Ruby quickly turns the commercial off again with the remote with Yang, Blake and Weiss just as scared as she was.

* * *

 **SQUEEZIT FRUIT DRINKS**

"Phew. Glad that's over with. Here's a fun game to play at home. Count all the phallic symbols!", team RWBY said, before they watch through most of the commercial, only getting another response of this Squeezit Fruit Drinks ad, "...No comment."

The Squeezit ad reaches it's conclusion.

* * *

 **TRANSFORMERS PRETENDERS #2**

"Oh, these again.", Ruby and Yang presume again, "Okay, let's see if they can explain these again.", before once again for the second time in a row, the four look through the commercial.

Blake and Weiss shrug, "...Nope."

"That was shorter than we expected.", said Ruby and Yang under their breath, the Transformers Pretenders commercial ending right away.

* * *

 **JDRF (JUVENILE DIABETES RESEARCH FOUNDATION) PSA**

"A cure for diabetes?! What?", surprised Blake and Weiss in union, before it reveals in the PSA that it was fake.

Ruby and Yang looked saddened, then angry, "COCKTEASE! Lying to us like that!"

"No, we're sorry! They lost us! They totally lost us at that fake out! We don't care what you're promoting! In face, you know what? We might give five people diabetes right now!", Blake and Weiss upset, "But we're actually not going to. We aren't bad people. Just...skip it.", the PSA concluding.

* * *

 **SLIM SUIT  
FINAL COMMERCIAL OF THE REVIEW  
**

"Okay, folks, get ready for the most dumbest thing you've ever seen!", Ruby comments, preparing while the final commercial of the third review session is shown.

Yang disappointed, "No. No, we can't. In fact, we're going to call lying on that."

"No kidding.", chuckled Blake, "The Slim Suit can help you lose weight by doing absolutely nothing!"

Weiss sarcastically said, "What, does it take off like an ounce of weight a week or something?"

"And REALLY? Six hours of wearing the Slim Suit can make you go down an entire dress size! Gah, that's incredible! I bet of those other idiots out there were trying to exercise or eat right. Loser! A guy would say.", Ruby found one of the things about the Slim Suit to be annoying.

Yang continued, "Yeah, especially for people trying to lose weight like some guys. Most. One size will fit most. Like one ring, to rule them all!", joking the last part as the girls laughed.

"Ok, now THAT's definitely a lie. Look at that girl, you know she's got a date to the prom!", said Blake when they watch more of the Slim Suit ad.

Weiss accused this commercial, "Oh! NO SHIT! The more you exercise, the more Slim Suit will help you lose weight!"

"Yeah, it's pretty subtle that way. It's almost as if you...don't need it at all!", Ruby opinions.

Yang thought, "The announcer should say, _"Professionals also recommend these magic beans, mixed with a placebo brought to you by the tooth fairy...when you're in Oz."_ Like Ozpin too. And all you had to do was sacrifice your fucking common sense!"

"Yeah! We only made five of these, because we thought only five people would be dumb enough to buy it! You proved us wrong, America! You proved us wrong!", Blake told.

Weiss asked, "Wait, wait, wait, what program? They said all we had to do was sit on our asses. What, is there a...time-scale that's sitting on our asses?"

"It truly is the work of a artist. Perhaps a con-artist, if you will.", concludes Ruby for the final commercial of their third session as the commercial finally ends.

Nevertheless, team RWBY also says the final review of the session, "Well, folks, we don't think we're gonna top this bit of insanity, so we might as well call it quits at this end of the third commercial review session. Thanks for joining us in our commercials special, and remember..."

"I'm Ruby..."

"...I'm Yang..."

"...I'm Blake..."

"...and I'm Weiss."

"We remember it so you don't have-", Ruby was about to say her conclusion of this third review session.

 _Knock, knock, knock._

"Hello? Who could that be?", Ruby asked, coming over to their dorm room door with Yang, Blake and Weiss following.

Once opening the door, no one was seen on the left, front or right of the hallway. Team RWBY looks below on the ground to see a sole and special blue envelope, with a seal which has the symbol, NFL.

"NFL?", Yang, Blake and Weiss all said.

Ruby slowly removes the seal on the envelope having NFL, before she opens up the envelope, as the four girls read the paper in the envelope, becoming extremely surprised at this.

Blake and Weiss were all surprised, "Is that what we think it is?"

"What is it?", Yang smiled with huge glee.

Ruby revealed, "Girls...", before she turns to her friends.

"...we're going to the Super Bowl!"

This announcement made all four girls squeal in excitement, all happy and hugging in a group-hug fashion.

That is where they will have their next commercial session, as the team was all excited for the upcoming big game of the year.

 **End of Episode III: Revenge of the Commercials (AKA: !)**

 **The next session will be released in honor of Super Bowl LII!**


	4. Dawn! (The Fourth Coming)

**Note: This takes place during the Super Bowl LII, after the final minutes of the big game's fourth quarter as it was extended exclusively for RWBY's fourth commercial review session. There will also be a fictional change to the game scores as well, and also an epic heartwarming Dear Basketball-inspired ending in this fourth session. I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING.**

 **MINNESOTA**

Darkness. Footsteps. Cheering.

We see four girls walking towards a white light in a small tunnel.

It reveals to be Ruby, Yang, Blake and Weiss.

As they reach the end of the tunnel toward the white light, the four were amazed to see hundreds of THOUSANDS of people watching from the hundreds of seat sections all around the US Bank Stadium, all of the crowd of people letting out a loud and humongous cheerful roar for the four girls, with the time being during the late night.

The teams from the New England Patriots and Philadelphia Eagles see team RWBY enter the stadium, as the four girls were walking towards the middle of the stadium, with Ruby holding another red formal envelope with the Rooster Teeth seal.

The New England Patriots had a score of 33 points while The Philadelphia Eagles had a score of 41 points.

As the four girls enjoy the loud crowd's cheer, they epically continue walking to the middle of the stadium as they almost reach to the middle...

...but Ruby suddenly trips and falls to the ground due to a football sitting on the grassy ground, Yang, Blake and Weiss worried.

"Uh...do they know we left a football there after the last quarter?", asked one of the athletes from one of the two sports' teams.

As Ruby got back up during the silence, she kicked the football high and a few metres away, the crowd's roar cheered again, while Ruby was given a microphone, thanks to the referee.

" **HELLO EVERYONE! We're team RWBY, and we're here for the fourth commercial review session!** ", greeted team RWBY loudly with the microphone, as the audience of people cheered louder than ever before.

The referee then got four chairs for Ruby, Yang, Blake and Weiss to sit on, the girls thanking him as the four sat down on the chairs in the middle of the stadium's football field, with the NFL logo on it.

"Alright, let's review some commercials.", wisely spoke Ruby with the microphone as she sets it on a stand, quieting the audience of crowds in the stadium. She pulls out her remote and turns on commercials on the stadium's screens.

She and Yang both said, "Yep, it's that time again to tour down the often forgotten, but fondly remembered, avenue of nostalgic commercials."

"Why do so many of them stay with us? What is it about their world of pandering and advertising that makes us so fond of them? Whatever it is, we're gonna review them and partake in their corniness.", Blake and Weiss said.

Ruby continued, "So, seeing how the first one is called After These Messages, the second one We'll Be Right Back, and the third one Exclamation Point (!), this one will be called...", before she opens the RT seal of the red formal envelope they have, and looked at the golden ballot with the subtitle, Yang, Blake and Weiss looking at this too.

They looked at the fourth commercial review session subtitle, and then looked at the audience while broadcasted.

"...The Fourth Coming.", Ruby reveals the title, before tossing the envelope away as she said, "Here we go!", starting their commercial review intro song.

 **Weiss: After these messages... (Yang: ...after these messages...) Blake: ...after these messages... (Ruby: ...after these messages...) All 4: ...we'll be right back!**

Ruby presses a button on the remote, revealing the entire title of the fourth session on the stadium screens, causing the hundreds of thousands of people in the stadium to cheer loudly.

 **EPISODE 4: Dawn of the Commercials!  
(The Fourth Coming)**

* * *

 **CHEF BOYARDEE**

"Ah, good ol' Chef Boyardee, causing children around the world to grow up and shout, I can't believe I used to put this in my body.", Ruby introduced in the first commercial of their fourth review.

Yang says, "Tasty wholesome pasta... We can think of three things wrong with that sentence.", while the Super Bowl audience was glad to see the first commercial shown as they were craving for it.

"Now, of course, making famous characters into edible shapes is nothing new. There was Pac Man, Smurfs, hell, even Tic-Tac-Toe got a pasta.", Blake summarized.

Weiss supports, "But what some people forget is that for the longest time, they tried to make a game out of eating their products."

"Why must they turn dinnertime into a competitive sport? Wouldn't the more appropriate rules be like; _"Hey, kids, if you can eat the elbow macaroni and ketchup, we're calling pasta without vomiting up through your ears, nose or mouth, you win!"_ ", Ruby and Yang problematically said.

Blake and Weiss comments as they look more of the Chef Boyardee commercial with the kid shown, "Look at that crazy kid. He is jacked up on this stuff. Just look at that face. It's like he saw Jesus, no offense, and at the same time decided he wanted to eat him."

"Well, even if you don't like the food, Chef Boyardee always knew how to give us that tasty amount of goofiness.", Ruby finishes the first commercial as the Chef Boyardee commercial ended.

* * *

 **MCDONALD'S #2**

Yang starts off the second commercial, "Oh, God, you can't help but feel that warm fuzzy feeling whenever you watch this classic. It's a McDonald's commercial about a little girl thinking about running away...and, for some reason, never questions the creepy clown that's on her neighbor's lawn."

"I think the girl would say to Ronald, _'I hear it's a dictatorship where people disappear.'_ and Ronald would answer back, _'_ _Well, Lindsey, maybe there's some undesirables that are holding back genetic process.'_ Do you guys agree?", Blake thought and asked her friends, to which they agree.

Weiss said, "Yeah, to be fair, her basketball hoop and wind chime aren't as impressive as your satanic powers to levitate solid mass and create life from nothingness. McDonaldland is still sounding a bit cooler there, Ronald."

"Yeah, it all seems sweet and cute until you realize this was a stranger danger commercial.", Ruby and Yang admit, as the entire Super Bowl audience boos to RWBY for this fact although they love the McDonalds commercial, as the two sisters joke, "Oh, come on. We can't be the first people to think that about Ronald McDonald. Sorry about that, everyone.", as the audience stopped booing and accepting the girls' apology by all nodding at the same time. "We mean, look at him in this commercial."

Blake agreed, "Yeah, if a strange man dressed like a clown lures you with magic tricks and, oh, I don't know, offers you McDonald's to go with him, chances are, you should probably run from home, or as Sonic puts it, _'You get outta there.'_ "

"And just look at the way Ronald stares at her in this scene.", feared Weiss in a part of the commercial where Ronald and the girl make a snowman together.

Ruby exampled, "If someone went up to your kid and smiled creepily, we'd pull her the fuck away from him."

"Oh well. As long as we love McDonalds, we still love both these commercials around Christmas time.", Yang finishes the second commercial as the McDonalds commercial ends, "Brought to you by a company set to sabotage your arteries for the rest of your life."

* * *

 **DIET COKE**

"So you think celebrity endorsements are bad now? Take a look at what they did to the Caped Crusader when Batman Returns came out.", Blake says in the start of the Diet Coke commercial.

Weiss nods, "That's right. Is he gonna stop rioters or capture the culprit responsible for the crime? Fuck, no. He's gonna get himself some Diet Coke. I can imagine Batman saying, _'Diet Coke! Diet Coke! Diet Coke! I need my Diet Coke! I need my fucking Diet Coke! Goddamn traffic, get out of the way! I need my fat-free alternative to high fructose deliciousness!'_ and Alfred appearing on the screen on his Batmobile, asking, _'Sir, don't you think you're taking this a little too far-'_ , and Batman would respond, _'Fuck you, Mr. Belvedere! **DIET COOOOOOKE!**_ _'_ ", as she, Ruby, Yang and Blake laugh hard, with the audience and everyone else laughing to this joke.

Ruby, after they all relieve from their laughter, continued, "But we discover it was Catwoman who was the culprit all along. Boy, slow week for her, isn't it? We mean, was this really her grand plan? Shut down the city so she could tease Batman's bizarre low-calorie soda fetish? No offense, Selina, but you could do better."

"They say Diet Coke, just for the taste," chuckles Yang, "No, that's the last reason anybody drinks it. The first reason, well, now honestly, because Batman drinks it."

Blake says her next and last opinion for the commercial, "He loves it so much, he would literally let the city DIE just to get the last one. That's probably the best endorsement you could give a product. So, eh, I guess it works.", the commercial ending as the Faunus concludes, "One more thing, like we imagine Batman would say, _' **DIET COOOOOOKE**_ _ **!** '_", causing the four and everyone to laugh their heads off again.

* * *

 **TOYS 'R' US**

Weiss states when everyone finished laughing during the start of the ad, "Another classic collection of commercials we can't forget, along with that wonderful jingle we can't forget."

"They're charming commercials and all, but is it us or does this sound like the national anthem for adults who never really DID grow up? You know, those man-children and women-children who never wanted to do anything with their lives except play with their toys? I'm telling you. It's all because of this jingle.", Ruby told.

Yang questions, "Don't believe us? The sequel commercial that came out years later proved it.", as the commercial is shown a bit.

Blake said during this, "Look at that, they're in the exact same location! It's like no time has passed. They never left their parents' place. This is their life. In fact, the more we think about it, they're probably there even to this day."

"The only other problem we had with these commercials is that half the toys were never AT Toys 'R' Us. You ever noticed that? We don't know if it was a copyright thing or what, but half of these products they were advertising were never at the store.", Weiss criticizes this problem.

Ruby examples, "Like, imagine if you were a Ninja Turtle nut, like we were. Look at THESE fucking things! We would go; Holy Shit! I want the life-size dancing Ninja Turtle, please!", stamping Don't Have It on the screen when she was emphasizing.

"What? Don't have it? Well, ok. I'll take that gigantic teddy bear that he's bouncing around on?", Yang requested during emphasizing, stamping Don't Have It again.

Blake frowned, "What? Well, how about that game where you bomb the battleship?", emphasizing this as she stamps Don't Have It the third time on the screen.

"Fuck you! Look through the store! There has to be a game where you can bomb a battleship! Gah, this place is an insult to Geoffrey the Giraffe!", ranted Weiss, as she stamped He's Not Real, realizing it's the wrong kind of stamp.

Ruby, Yang and Blake were shocked, "Wait, you're saying he's not real?", before team RWBY takes a beat and breaks down in sadness, crying as the audience awed in sorriness.

"WE DON'T WANNA GROW UP...!", admitted Weiss, crying with her three friends as she embraces Blake and kisses her, while the Toys 'R' Us commercial ends, "Fucking liars...!"

* * *

 **COUNT CHOCULA**

"Believe it or not, there was actually a period of time when Count Chocula was a live-action character. And would you like to see what he looks like?", Ruby informs in the start of the cereal ad, before the girls were startled and scared by Count Chocula's appearance in the ad, "AAHHH!", while the audience was shocked too by the mascot's appearance in the advertisement.

Yang shockingly said, "What the HELL is that? It's like a silly putty combo of the Nesquik Rabbit and fat Weird Al Yankovic! And okay, that chin seriously needs to be censored. We swear, we're looking at Forest Whitaker's testicles right now, and that should not be under the mouth of any cereal mascot."

"We don't even know what the commercial's about. It's a monster that wakes up, but when he's fed Count Chocula, he turns back into a kid! I-I... WHO CARES?! You can't take your eyes off that image of Robin Williams' face coming out of a Muppet's butt!", Blake and Weiss disgusted.

As the commercial shows Count Chocula again, Ruby screamed with her friends, "GAAAH! Turn it away, turn it away, burn it with acid! You stay the fuck away from our cereal monster!", when the Count Chocula commercial ends.

* * *

 **SEXUAL HARASSMENT PSA**

Yang began this sixth commercial, "Oh, yeah, I don't know how many people remember this one, but for a while, _everybody_ was quoting it. It starts off with a woman working at her job when her boss obviously starts hitting on her.", the commercial showing the woman shrinking every time the man hits her.

"BOOM! Our 90's perm imagination just schooled your ass! Heh, we don't know what it is, there's just something about how direct she is and how almost robotic she says it.", Blake and Weiss cheered and honestly said, before a part of the sexual harassment PSA is shown, as a CSI 'YEAAAAAH!' sound effect is heard which the four members of team RWBY put on their glasses, everyone laughing in the audience.

Ruby reasons, "The funny thing is, sometimes we wonder if this would still work if the roles were reversed, like, if it was the woman hitting on the man. Our guesses, in all honesty, would be _'No.'_ For one, kind of obviously, this happens more to women than it does to men, but two, men aren't just smart enough to recognize when they're being hit on. They're kinda dumb that way. If a woman is not interested, that's the one they go for, but if a woman IS interested, they're blindly naive to it for some reason. If a female boss is hitting on a male worker, he's not gonna catch onto it anytime soon. Like let's say, The Wicked Witch of the West hitting on a Winkie Guard. Pretty good example to imagine it, isn't it?", to the audience, which they nod and agree.

"Enjoyably awkward and quotable as hell, we're just talking about a damn funny commercial here.", finished Yang, the PSA ending.

* * *

 **KIX**

"Remember Kix? The only cereal commercial that pretty much listed every single reason why not to buy it?", says Blake when the cereal commercial starts after the girls were awed by the cute kids at the beginning of the ad. "A kid would be like, _'Honestly, it's just rabbit droppings that they painted yellow, but the box is pretty.'_ ", she mimicked, as the audience chuckles while some laugh again.

Weiss agreed, "Actually, they went so far out of their way to prove how little is in it, that there's actually a commercial that says there's no flavor in it! Listen! Yeah, that might be taken the wrong way, guys, especially when you're advertising how phenomenally boring your product is!"

"The funny thing is that Kix is the only cereal that tastes different, literally with every single bit you take. It's like it gets worse and worse with every single nip. We're not even joking; you can do a diagram on the national progression of what every bite does to your taste buds.", Ruby spoke, as a couple referees help bring out a big bowl of Kix, with the four girls taking a spoonful of cereal and eating it, as Ruby describes to the audience when the girls take their first bite of the cereal while smiling, "The first bite demonstrates a tasty enjoyable experience that seems rather satisfying.", the girls taking a second bite as their smiles fall, Ruby saying, "Notice how the smile has deteriorated by 50% on the second bite, signifying less enjoyment out of the experience.", the four, on the third bite, was a bit disgusted by the flavor, Ruby saying during disgust, "The third bite clearly shows the mistake one feels having placed this product in their mouth. Surely, part of the box must've worked it's way onto the spoon.", just before they were given barf bags as the four girls spat out the cereal in disgust by it's flavor, Ruby finishing the diagram, "Clearly, they've made a cereal out of packing peanuts. This mistake will not be made again.", as the four girls were also given four bottles of water to help wash the bad taste down, as the entire audience laughs.

Yang afterwards continues as the commercial shows a storybook promotion with the cereal, "Okay, did anyone ever actually send in the proof of purchase? I mean, did that ever happen in the history of mankind? I don't know if cereals still do this, but when they were too cheap to put the toy in the box, they had you pay for a stamp and envelope, as well as shipping and handling, and have the toy delivered to you a few days later. Do kids really have the attention span for that? A kid would be like, _'Yay! I can get a toy! All I need is an envelope! I'm bored- Ooh, video games!"_ "

"Yes, indeed. But to be fair, those books probably would taste better than the actual cereal.", Blake suggested, "Uh, yeah, say it like it is, people.", the last part responding to the commercial's slogan that Kix is Kid Tested, Mother Approved, as it ends.

* * *

 **TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES VHS**

Weiss begins this ad, "Now we're talking! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! This is just a straightforward ad promoting the first VHS that ever came out of the series."

"Um, we're not scientists or anything since we're huntresses, but we're just gonna take a wild guess that the insane adventures of four anthropomorphic lifeforms living in the sewers, skateboarding, eating pizza, and fighting the ninja army The Foot Clan led by the Shredder probably...PROBABLY takes place in the world of fiction.", Ruby informed, "It's just so strange because there's no other way you can interpret it. It's not like he meant it to be taken this way or part of some misunderstanding. No. They straight-up say it's a true story."

Yang asks also, "Uh, and what the hell are we supposed to do with that except draw the conclusion the FHE, the Family Home Entertainment, are fucking liars? That's right. They're real, and if you don't see them in front of you right now, it's probably because you haven't bought enough of their products. Would they lie?"

"What we like, too, is that the announcer clearly has no problems straight-up lying to kids about it, but he almost stumbles when he has to read what they're actually called.", pointed out Blake, "As if halfway through, he just realized how stupid this sounded, but tried to keep going anyway."

Weiss finished off this commercial, "Still a fun ad. Just don't have FHE, the Family Home Entertainment, testify in court anytime soon.", the ad concluding.

* * *

 **TAKE CARE OF ME TWINS**

"Speaking of where babies come from, we got possibly one of the most brutally honest baby doll commercials ever. They're called the Take Care of Me Twins. Even that title sounds a little angry, doesn't it? Like a bitter nickname or something.", Ruby spoke at the beginning of the commercial, "We'd be like, _'Oh, are we needed by the Take Care of Me Twins?'_ "

Yang told, "This commercial seems determined to show every stressful, terrible part about raising a child.", the ad showing the Take Care of Me Twins song, " _'This is my day'._ Again, not the happiest words to shout during a baby commercial, but keep watching.", the commercial telling the rest of the song.

"This is like the most passive-aggressive ad we've ever seen. Like saying, _'Oh yeah, you like a baby? You want a fucking baby? Kiss your social life goodbye, because this is your day! This is your entire goddamn day! Just drooling, sneezing, feeding, changing, running around!'_ That would sound...awful!", Blake complained.

Weiss adds, "Just look at the smile she gives. That's the smile of _'I'm about to kill these little bastards if someone doesn't take them away from me'_.", continuing, "And, oh boy, what a rushed happy ending, huh?"

"We don't think we've ever seen a toy that advertises more why NOT to buy it, but, hey, if tearing out your hair to raise a not human being is your idea of fun, then... Yaaaaay...", ended Ruby when the baby doll ad reaches it's end, while Blake and Weiss agree with the title reference to This Isn't My Idea from The Swan Princess.

* * *

 **MILK**

Yang enjoyed, "Ah, yet another series of classics. The setup is that we see what happens to a scrawny-looking kid if they keep growing up while drinking their milk."

"Looking closer at these, have you ever realized how phenomenally shallow they are? We mean, all of them are totally based on looks alone. In fact, one of them even flat out says it.", said Blake, who facts this.

Weiss commented during the milk advertisement, "Milk, because personality should come...never! Well, as long as they show looks are everything, we guess milk is the ultimate ace in the hole.", cutting to a second commercial of the same topic for a bit, with a girl who grows older and meets a man named Jeffrey Kaiser.

" _'Jeffrey Kaiser, huh? Yeah, he beats me in a shovel, but you can skate on those abs,'_ she would say.", Ruby agreed, "The truth is, if we really could go into the future based on what these selfish little douchebags are like, they probably wouldn't like what they see.", she told afterwards, the audience of the Super Bowl murmuring in agreement.

Yang finishes off this commercial, "Maybe we're reading too deep into it, or maybe they should emphasize the importance of brain power as well as body power.", the milk commercial ending.

* * *

 **CANADIAN WOMAN'S FOUNDATION PSA**

"Oh, good. A commercial from Canada, our friendly neighbors from the North.", Blake and Weiss said together, holding hands and pecking on the lips romantically, as the audience awes to both the Monochrome pairing and the commercial, "They're always so kind in everything they do."

Ruby and Yang were nodding, "Oh look, a baby shower for an expecting mother. Oh, you got the little girl there and everything, oh my god, this is going to be adorable!", kissing on the lips too to help calm the gratitude and excitement, earning another cheer from the Super Bowl audience.

That is, before the commercial shows the mother receiving a gift of a whistle, to which her friend answers that it's a rape whistle, which silences everyone to this. The four team members of RWBY were instantly shocked by this, as Ruby clears her throat.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...", Ruby yells at the top of her lungs, while Yang, Blake and Weiss, as well as the athletes, audience and crew of the Super Bowl were shocked by this PSA, while one of the audience members was shocked that he dropped his hot dog on someone's head accidentally, the red-black-haired girl continuing, "...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT THE FUCK, CANADA?!"

Yang, Blake and Weiss immediately agree with their friend, "Yeah, WHAT THE FUCK, Canada?!", with the audience yelling in agreement all at once to the fact Canada makes some scary PSAs.

"We mean, talk about an uncomfortable blow to your nads! Is this how you do all of your serious commercials? Start off with something innocent and light-hearted, and then smash it down with cruel, cruel reality? We mean, it's like starting off an ad like this; _'You know, a hard day's work doesn't call for water out of the cooler.' 'What do you got there?' 'I got me a nice bottle of Mountain Water. Cool, refreshing, big on taste, but also big on satisfaction. And what have you got there?' 'I got pancreatic cancer.' '...Pan-c-c-c-creatic cancer...?'_ ", the last part with Ruby looking at the audience sadly, as a fact saying about 45,000 people get pancreatic cancer a year is shown, making everyone, including RWBY, feel sad about it.

Yang admits, "Sheesh, we mean, this can't be good for tourism. Who the hell would want to go to Canada after learning that statistic? Do they have that on the entry sign to that place? 'Welcome to Canada, one of two girls will be physically or sexually abused?' That's pretty awkward! We mean, how do you think the expecting mother feels?"

"The mother would say, _'Well, Grandma just ruined the baby shower. I'm gonna go hit the vodka. Oh wait, can't drink. That's right, that's right. Again, great timing, Grandma.'_ , We know you mean well, guys, but... What the heck?", Blake and Weiss finished summarizing.

* * *

 **DENNY'S RED, WHITE AND BLUE PANCAKES OF AMERICA  
FINAL COMMERCIAL OF THE REVIEW**

Ruby smiled with her friends once the final commercial of this fourth review session starts, as the four girls stood, the leader of team RWBY proudly saying and saluting altogether with Yang, Blake and Weiss to everyone in the Super Bowl, audience, athletes and crew, "Everyone rise for the greatest commercial ever."

In a glorious, epic and heartwarming fashion, everyone all at once stood up from their seats in a wave-like fashion, while the athletes and crew have saluted to this, all cheering proud, loud and clear, as Ruby stood in the center of the arena's football field, relishing by spreading out her arms and cheering loudly in a epic circling shot before Yang, Blake and Weiss join in to relish all the glory, referring to Dear Basketball.

" **YEEEEEEES!** This is our final commercial for this fourth session, and we know it's current, but trust me when I say it is destined to become an instant commercial classic!", announced Ruby after this.

Yang described, "It starts off with a guy just going into a Denny's to get some pancakes. What follows is a moment of pure and absolute beauty.", the Denny's ad showing the man asking about Red, White and Blue Pancakes of how they taste, as the other man guessed America, which the four girls salute proudly for the USA, the National Anthem being played.

"Yes! Yes, they do, nodding strange odd man! Denny's Red, White and Blue Pancakes, without a doubt and we're proud to say, DOES taste like the spirit of America!", happily stated Blake while saluting to the USA National Anthem.

Weiss cried tears of joy, "My God! Everything this country stands for! All the bloodshed, all the cries of freedom, all the war, all the battles, all the patriotic treasures of the world, all found here, in this humble place of brilliant-ness!", crying into Blake's arms and embrace as the two kiss passionately, the audience following suit with the salute, also cheering loudly.

"You know, some people say they see America in the Lincoln Memorial, good! Some say they see it in the Constitution of the United States, good too! Some say they see it in the purple mountain majesty, in the glimmering eye, of the honest worker, or in the stars, when they see that the American flag is still there, **GREAT!** It's in the Red, White and Blue Pancakes form, DENNY'S!", Ruby spoke out loud, everyone cheering and clapping as loud as they could to this powerful speech.

Yang reasons, "We mean, just look at this man when he walks in, he is lost and unsure of himself. He is afraid to venture where he has never ventured before. These pancakes...these simple Red, White and Blue pancakes, where will they lead him? What will this mean for his future? But then, you see the old man thinking...thinking long and hard about it, _'Do I tell him? Do I let him in on the secret of this nation's greatest landmark? Yes! He is ready.'_ and the answer is...", putting her hand by her ear for the answer, America.

Enjoyed by this, RWBY salutes altogether again as everyone roars with excitement and amazement, Blake and Weiss crying happily, "America! And you can see on that young man's face, that he has found salvation! He once was lost, but now has found Denny's Red, White and Blue Pancakes!"

"Tell me, oh, kind wise sir, what other words of wisdom you have to say about this great nation of history, and of people in this country today?", Ruby gladly smiled, hearing the answer of America, "Yes, yes! Good, good! But what specifically about America what makes it so special...? Yes, yes! That goes without saying, but could you possibly go into more detail...? ...How many fingers are we holding up? What colors are our hair? ...You can't say anything else, can you? And this young man and I have clearly reading too deeply into your uncontrollable mental illness? ...Heh, well...we still stand by this is the greatest commercial of all time. Why?", as every question she says in this part is answered with America, including the last one, "A-fucking-Merica! And who can top that?", receiving the answer America once more.

RWBY said altogether, "AMERICA!", finishing the last commercial off with a final salute, everyone cheering again, while the USA flag is shown epically above them in the night.

"Well, that concludes our fourth commercial review! I hope everyone enjoyed it! But lastly, one have one more thing to do at the end of this Super Bowl, to declare the REAL winner tonight!", Ruby screeched with cheer, grabbing a football as the referees help bring the four chairs away, the four girls going to the Philadelphia Eagles goal side of the field, as she states, "We will be doing a bonus field goal! Either results will have either team be given with 9 points! If we make the goal, the Philadephia Eagles win the 9 points, if we miss or don't make it, the New England Patriots get the 9 points!", while she, Blake and Weiss help set the ball on the ground with Yang preparing to kick it, "The timer will be set to 10 seconds! The points do not count if the timer runs out! I'm Ruby..."

"...I'm Yang..."

"...I'm Blake..."

"...and I'm Weiss!"

Team RWBY all say in unison, "We remember it so you don't have to! We hope you all enjoyed our fourth commercial review! Are you guys ready?", the audience replying with yes loudly, as team RWBY countdown from three, as when the bonus field goal round had started, Yang ran towards the football and lets out a loud battle cry, kicking the ball with her leg and with all her strength.

The ball travels a very long and straight distance as the timer was already at 6 seconds, the ball already in mid-air in the middle of the field.

Ruby, Yang, Blake and Weiss quickly go to the middle of the arena's football field to watch what happens. Five seconds are left in the clock, the football still straight, high and fast.

Five...the audience watches with awe as The Philadelphia Eagles team was astonished while The New England Patriots were shocked.

Four...the football was losing altitude while at still straight and fast speed.

Three...the football was nearing to the other end of the arena toward the goal.

Two...Team RWBY was smiling valiantly and Ruby's eyes twinkle at the sight of the glorious moment about to happen.

One...the football had passed the field goal just half a second before the timer ends, resulting with a score of 33-50, New England Patriots to Philadelphia Eagles (they won)!

Everyone uproars with happiness, cheer and excitement as team RWBY cheered as loud as they could, The Philadelphia Eagles coming to the middle of the stadium to meet with team RWBY, as the football members hugged each other and even carried RWBY, while the Vince Lombardi Trophy was being handed out as hundreds of thousands of confetti rained down on the stadium.

Basking in this glorious moment, Blake and Weiss kiss passionately to the fullest as if they didn't want this moment to stop, while Ruby and Yang watch the crowd of hundreds and thousands of people cheering for them, the two sisters sweating after this final round and happy to finish their fourth commercial review session, and relieves as they close their eyes, smile and continue to relish while confetti rains down.

To cap it all off, Ruby and Yang were also given the honors of holding the Vince Lombardi Trophy, happy for this as they all cheered with the football team.

"I knew we could do it. This is the best day ever!", Ruby said and hugged to Yang while the four girls were being carried and the leader holding the Vince Lombardi trophy.

Yang corrected while smiling passionately, "We all did.", before she suddenly kisses Ruby on the lips, shocking Ruby for a bit as Yang finishes the kiss, "I love you, Ruby."

"...I love you too, Yang. I love you too.", cried Ruby happily as she and Yang continue kissing, also never wanting this to end.

The four girls were being carried by the Philadelphia Eagles, as after five to ten minutes later, the girls and the team victoriously leave the indoor arena field through the tunnel again, as the Philadelphia Eagles and team RWBY were giving high-fives to fans.

They go in the tunnel during the cheering, roaring and amazing celebration, confetti falling and chanting for RWBY and the Philadelphia Eagles, who have won the night of the Super Bowl, as Ruby gave one last thought inspired by Dear Basketball,

 _"Love you always. RWBY."_

 **End of Episode IV: Dawn of the Commercials (AKA: The Fourth Coming)**

 **The fifth chapter is coming soon!**


	5. Rise! (The Quickening)

**A/N: Takes place three days after the fourth commercial review session, Dawn of the Commercials (AKA: The Fourth Coming) and after the Super Bowl.**

 **VALE**

Three days after the end of the Super Bowl, Ruby, Yang, Blake and Weiss had celebrated a lot lately from their latest Super Bowl commentary, getting a lot of souvenirs, including pictures with the Philadelphia Eagles, four NFL caps, and even a replica of the Super Bowl trophy put aside with accolades and medals.

Autographed pictures of team RWBY were pinned on the wall. Fan drawings of RWBY were placed. News articles show that RWBY had helped the Philadelphia Eagles win the Super Bowl LII, and other articles saying ' _RWBY Scores The Game With A Kick!'_ , _'Commercial Review Settles Championship Game'_ , and _'RWBY to Return for Super Bowl LIII?'_.

Ruby, Yang, Blake and Weiss were on their commentary chairs with their red Rooster Teeth wax-sealed subtitle ballot as the former started off, "Ruby.", and the others say, "Yang.", "Blake.", "...and Weiss."

"You are about to experience the awe and mystery of...Nostalgic Commercials.", Ruby announced, as she and Yang said, "They're back, and they're ready to see you their shit. Nostalgic Saturday morning commercials are practically a lost art...in that there's no more Saturday morning cartoons to play them with.", smiling, "Thanks, nonstop kidsploitation media, such as Disney Channel, Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon, Discovery Kids and many other kids channels!"

Blake and Weiss continue, "But nevertheless, there was still a strange otherworldly feel to the ads of the 80s and 90s, and even some more recent ones too. So today, we're gonna take a look at their bright colorful sugar-coated braincell-killing awesomeness in all it's glory because commercials are reviewable too. What makes them memorable, what makes them laughable, and what makes them memorably laughable."

"So, seeing how we called the first one After These Messages, the second one We'll Be Right Back, the third one Exclamation Point (!), and the fourth one The Fourth Coming, this one we're calling...", Ruby announced, opening the subtitle ballot as the four girls read, looking up towards the readers, revealing, "...The Quickening. Alright, here we go!", starting RWBY's commercial review intro.

 **Weiss: After these messages... (Yang: ...after these messages...) Blake: ...after these messages... (Ruby: ...after these messages...) All 4: ...we'll be right back!**

The team RWBY reveal the fifth commercial review session's logo.

 **EPISODE V: Rise of the Commercials!  
** **(The Quickening)**

* * *

 **SKIP IT!**

"Yeah, you all know this one. Go ahead and sing along.", started Ruby, the Skip It commercial playing the theme song as the four sang along, "This is the classic ad for a toy that was pretty much just jump rope for a disposable income.", the song mentioning the counter on the Skip It ball.

Yang said, "Wow, that _is_ the best thing of all. Remember when you had to count? Remember the fucking terrible days where you actually had to _count_?!"

"Not only do we get to stay in just one place for hours and hours playing, but we get to not think of numbers while doing it! God, the Skip It would be much harder if anyone could count while doing it! This thing's the new iPhone 6!", Blake complained, "Apple did get a lot more than Skip It, however."

Weiss told, "As much as I love this ad, have you ever known anyone that was good at it? I mean, fucking _anyone_? I sure didn't. Nobody I knew could ever get the hang of this damn thing. If they really wanted to get it right, they would have advertised it with lawsuits and suing the company!"

"Right you are, Weiss. More like Trip It than Skip It.", agreed Ruby, finishing the first commercial, "Well, it's still a catchy song that won't be leaving anytime soon.", as it ends.

* * *

 **THE INCREDIBLE CRASH DUMMIES**

Yang started off, "So there was this strange period of time when the crash test dummies, which were originally PSAs for seatbelt safety, got their own toys made."

"It was...weird. There was, like, an evil dummy, Junkman or whatever, who wanted to stop their crashing...because that was a thing, I guess...but in theory, it was still kind of cool, because it was the only toy you were expected to break.", Blake stated.

Weiss said, "Even though every commercial ended with the same line, _'Don't you be a dummy, buckle your seatbelt!'_ , isn't it a little ironic that you're learning about car safety by being encouraged to crash a car? This is actually kinda sick.", cringing.

"Yeah, maybe that one went through the windshield, or that one's fucking bleeding to death. Innocent fun!", joked Ruby, "Maybe we're reading too deep into it. We mean, after all, it's not like there was a torture chair to live out your sadistic fantasies.", before the Crash and Bash Chair with dismembering dummies is shown, with the four shocked as the leader stammered, "What the Crescentcles? Holy shit! What does any of this have to do with car safety?"

Yang answered, "Okay. There's playful violence, and then there's _Saw_. This is _Saw_ water that you're in.", concluding the second commercial, "Whatever fucked-up part of our brains liked this, it was a hit for a while, even if we...should probably be concerned why."

* * *

 **TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES ACTION FIGURES**

"God, how did they go from Jim Henson property to a dead-eyed corpse with fishing line poled lips like Mr. Ed?", Blake said at the start of the TMNT ad after she Ruby, Yang and Blake were startled by Michelangelo's appearance, "Actually, the funny thing is, you can tell this is when they were running out of ideas for stuff to put the Ninja Turtles on. In the early 90's, they were literally on everything. No, I mean fucking everything."

Weiss continued, "So, it's pretty obvious this is when we were getting to the point where they had very few options left.", exampling, "It's kinda like saying, 'Remember when Batman took up baseball? Or Wonder Woman took up bowling?' Okay, those were actually real things in comics, but still feels wrong.", the commercial showing different kinds of TMNT action figures, including Turtle Tribe, Bandito Bustin', and The Magnificent.

"But wait! There's more! Uh... uh... There's Ninja Turtles accounting! Ninja Turtle toll booth operator! And last, but not least, pregnant Ninja Turtles!", Ruby and Yang say to come up with, as Weiss gags a bit in disgust while Blake does a disgusted Bill Pullman expression, "We swear! It's all part of the original source material! Practically nothing has changed!"

Blake nodded, "Well, it's not just an attempt to have you to buy it as a birthday or holiday gift or something-", the ad showing Raphael advertising Bodacious Birthday Turtles action figures as well, the four deadpanning in a shocked manner, as Blake glared and simply answering to end the commercial, "Enjoy your fumes. Out of ideas."

* * *

 **HBO FEATURE PRESENTATION BUMPER**

Weiss noticed, "Oh, my God! This may be the greatest bumper for anything ever!"

"Really?", Ruby, Yang and Blake curiously ask.

Weiss said, "Yes, really. THE greatest. The fairest of them all."

"Well, just as much as you are, my beautiful Weiss.", flirted Blake as she plants a kiss on Weiss' lips.

Weiss moans in delight, "Oh, Blake! That's so sweet of you."

"You're too kind...", Blake flirts back as she and Weiss continue kissing.

Ruby goes with it by saying, "Okay, so you're about to watch something on HBO. What do you usually see before it starts?", a preview of the unimpressive current HBO logo shown.

"Fucking riveting. You wanna see what they had back in the 80s?", unimpressed Yang as the HBO bumper was beginning, the four curious to react to it.

Blake and Weiss stop kissing as the four pay attention, the Monochrome pairing asking, "What whimsical whimsy of wonderment is this?", the ad continuing as it flew through a city.

"By God! It feels like I'm flying!... Over a model of _Micro Machines,_ but still flying!", Ruby and Yang wonders, imagining to fly.

Blake and Weiss anticipate, "The music just keeps getting bigger and bigger! What magical realm are we being transported to?", the bumper then going to outer space with a crescendo.

"Yes. YES?", the four come closer to find out what happens next, before a star shined in the commercial as the HBO logo was appearing, the four cheering, "HBO, of course!"

Ruby and Yang glees, "Nowhere else will you find ingenious entertainment mixed in with pointless boob shots!"

"But wait a minute. Could there be something even more magical in the O in HBO?", ponders Blake and Weiss, the four continue to watch the ad as colorful streaks happen in the O, taking the four aback in wonderment. It finally concludes with the HBO Feature Presentation logo.

Ruby and Yang praise, "Fucking amazing! I mean, fucking amazing! What would you rather watch before seeing anything? This? A current unimpressive one? Or flying like fucking Peter Pan through a Godzilla model of wonder? The 1980's version! HBO, you gotta bring this back."

"I don't care if you have to throw in Tyrion Lannister or something from Game of Thrones or Westworld, just for God's sakes and for the love of all that is holy, bring this back!", demanded Blake.

Weiss proved, "Even if the movie you're showing is goddamn Jack and Jill, which we might review...it'll be a little bit better with that intro.", the ad ending once again.

* * *

 **LALALOOPSY DIAPER SURPRISE**

"Huh?", Ruby reacted at the beginning of the fourth commercial with Lalaloopsy's Diaper Surprise doll with a girl feeding it with water, pressing the belly and filling the diaper, "Uhh...I don't think that's how that works."

When it shows a magic charm of the doll, Yang questions, "Was this like the missing line that Rocky's coach used to say? _'Ya gonna drink water and crap me yummy-wummy delicious charm bracelets!'._ Sounds somewhat different to me.", another part of the Lalaloopsy ad disgusting the four, with the girls collecting charms from the doll.

"Listen...girls in wigs...I just think you're kind of giving kids the wrong idea.", Blake responded.

Weiss wondered, "I mean, what if a parent is like when the dad is taking care of it while the mom grabs the diaper? Nasty!"

"We should have a baby together, because we're in a relationship together.", Blake hopes to Weiss, the two agreeing.

Ruby finishes the Diaper Surprise commercial, "No. Just...just no."

* * *

 **POLLY POCKET**

Yang says, "Polly Pocket. Wasn't this ingenious? It's a tiny girl who lives in a world that's also a compact. Good Jesus, that's like the ultimate combination of girl toys! It's dolls, dollhouses, and makeup all rolled into one! It's the ultimate trifecta!"

"GIRLS RULE! Boys would be vomiting pink for a week! Nothing really wrong with these now that I'm looking back at them growing up, but being girls, we, of course, _loved_ watching these commercials. I mean, they're just so girly! What do you do? You open up this little world, walk through it, and then close it up to carry it around.", Blake and Weiss sigh together.

Ruby said, "I couldn't agree more.", saying with Yang, "However boys, they, of course, had a lot better shit than WE have. Like...", changing to the next commercial.

* * *

 **MIGHTY MAX**

"Hell, yeah! This was _completely_ different, and so much better! Like we said, you open up this little world, walk through it, and then close it up to carry it around! A _million_ times more advanced than Polly "Pissing" Pocket!", Blake and Weiss said.

Ruby asks the two, "You two like boys toys?"

"Yeah, I'm sort of a tomboy. So do you, and Yang probably.", told Blake.

Weiss said, "I'm not one. Looks cool."

"By the way, just look at how into it this kid is getting! He's a little fucking psycho, like a supervillain!", Ruby and Yang reacted to the commercial.

Blake and Weiss both said, "But hell, that wasn't the end of it. Boys had other super masculine toys back then. Like...", changing the commercial.

* * *

 **CREEPY CRAWLERS**

Ruby and Yang whoo-ed, "Hell, yeah! Here we go!", to the Creepy Crawlers oven.

"Oh, well, if it's just an oven, we don't know...", Blake and Weiss told Ruby and Yang, before the advertisement reveals the oven to be SUPER.

The four respond, "WHAAAAAAAAAAAA?!", after hearing that the oven is SUPER.

"Yes, before everything was EXTREME, everything was SUPER! But they meant totally different things, so don't you forget it.", Ruby and Yang cooly smiled to this.

Blake and Weiss told the two, "Uh, to be fair, they look less like Power Rangers and more like skinless human beings...but it captured their non-existent personalities pretty good."

"Yeah! Now THAT'S how you do a boy's toy! There isn't any girl's toy out there that's even _remotely_ close...", brightened both Yang and Ruby, Blake and Weiss changing the channel once more.

* * *

 **EASY-BAKE OVEN**

The four members of team RWBY looked horribly confused as the Easy-Bake Oven commercial is shown, as Blake and Weiss evidenced, "...Well, that settles it; our version is better! _The boys couldn't eat theirs!_ . _..And lived!_ ", pointing this out.

"You know, we're beginning to think boys' toys were just girls' toys painted a different color and given less options...we...we feel so used.", Ruby and Yang realized, massaging their foreheads.

Blake and Weiss yelled, "HOW COULD WE NOT SEE THIS?!", the Easy-Bake Oven advert reaching it's end.

* * *

 **CAMPBELL'S SOUP SNOWMAN**

"Oh, yeah. Can't forget this one around the holidays. A little snowman comes in and gets warmed up to a bowl of Campbell's Soup. Only to reveal it was actually a little boy the whole time. I love Christmas magic in these types of commercials.", dreamt Ruby, imaginizing.

Yang reviews, "A cute concept and all, but my biggest question is, who the fuck left their kid outside so long that he would become a snowman? That's just horrible parenting! In any other world, I don't think this would fly over so smoothly, sort of like The Shining."

"Well, it's still classic in many people's eyes, and I think it's still gonna be for quite a while longer. Just...don't try it at home.", Blake says, "However, I'll be glad to sing Let It Snow to Weiss because of the Christmas atmosphere. After all, your hair is as white as snow, like Snow White."

Weiss blushes and giggles to her girlfriend's joke, "Blake, you're sweet! Let It Go, then.", referencing the song before saying, "Those are good and all, but every once in a while, you'll come across a commercial that's so ridiculous and so stupid, you swear they're not even trying."

"Like a commercial break. Just pretty lazy to be honest.", Ruby said, the Campbell commercial concluding.

* * *

 **SUNNY DELIGHT (SUNNY D)**

Yang recognized, "Here you go! Everyone's seen this classic before.", saying after a bit of the commercial, "Of course. It was _always_ Sunny D, as it Sunny Delight. Which is good, seeing how the mother always buys a fucking one-ton of them. How many varying sizes of that shit do you need?"

"Probably enough to stay healthy and avoid getting sick with loads of Vitamin C. The weird thing about it is not that in every commercial they always picked the Sunny D. That's kind of a no-brainer. The weird thing is that in every single commercial, they push aside the exact same drinks in precisely the exact same order.", Blake guesses, the four girls confused by the kids checking the fridge in multiple Sunny D commercials with Soda, OJ and Purple Stuff.

Weiss inquires, "What the hell is this? Soda, OJ, purple stuff? How can so many homes have the exact same thing and so many kids dismiss them in the exact same lineup? Maybe it's like, a code. Like, if we hear it enough times, we'll figure out it was the missing combination to, like, Stargate or something."

"Or a contest. Or a game walkthrough.", Ruby estimated, "Soda, OJ, purple stuff, and the missing piece, the Sunny Delight! Take us to the world where the he-she from _The Crying Game_ will consume us all!"

Yang ended, "I don't know what religious ritual you started, Sunny D, but you need a little bit more variety. Do none of these families drink milk?", the ad finishing.

* * *

 **LASER TAG ROCKY**

"For whatever reason, the most intense toy commercials in the late 80s and early 90s were Laser Tag guns. It's like they're in their own little epic sci-fi movie. Like this one, for example, called Laser Tag Rocky.", Blake reviews, the commercial showing the boy being late as she mocked, " _'We're late for our team, The Owen Wilson Whiners!'_ "

Weiss explained, "Look at this. The toy hasn't even been advertised yet and already we're hyped as hell!", reacting as the Laser Tag battle started with Ruby, Yang and Blake, "Jesus Christ! Where the hell was this laser tag being played?"

"That's right. Once White Grace Jones has called it, there's no going back.", Ruby said, the advert showing only Rocky and the tough guy remaining as the former yelled 'Han!', "What the hell was that? Rocky should say, _'I just got that joke you told me ten minutes ago! Ha!'_ "

Yang summarizes, "So "Ha!" and "Rookie!" are the last ones left. This is far too epic. Slow-mo that bitch so we can enjoy it as long as possible!", the ad showing Rocky beating Han in the Laser Tag battle, showing the end with the Laser Tag set.

"By God, that was incredible! It had action, it had suspense, it had "Ha!" and "Rookie!" Laser Tag Rocky was _literally_ Laser Tag Rocky, the boxer from the Sylvester Stallone films! The ultimate boxing battle of laser tags! Who can compare with that?", excited Blake, changing the ad.

* * *

 **LAZER PRO 9000**

Weiss unfortunates, "Actually, believe it or not, this one possibly could. This was an ad for Lazer Pro 9000. And, of course, by "kids", we naturally mean 30 year olds going through some quarterlife crisis.", as the four notice Coke in the Lazer Pro commercial.

"Wait a minute! So there two commercials going on here? There's actually a product placement in the product placement!", realized Ruby, frowning, "And the rest of the commercial isn't tied to Coke in any way. It's not like Coke presents Lazer Pro 9000. It's just kind of a strange out-of-nowhere bit of name dropping, which is ironic seeing how they didn't exactly say the name very well."

Yang cheered, "A COKE!", like what the kid said in the advert, "I always TALK like I'm on a trampo-line!", and mocks as one of the kids when one asks the other if he has muscle, " _'We will fight for our six-pack of artificial flavors and freedom!'_ "

"So, I'm not gonna lie; I'm just assuming this future takes place in the same one that Crossfire does; a future focused on the revolution of a plastic triggered uprising, it's gonna change the world!", Blake confesses as the battle in the show continued, "Look out! Monkeys, jukeboxes, black and white tiled diners! TOO EPIC!"

Weiss says, "Yeah, they made no sense. But, for whatever reason, these laser tag commercials were FUCKING AWESOME!", simply finishing, "Not a sound effect, they're a company.", the commercial being done.

* * *

 **SUMMER'S EVE - FRESHNESS**

"What?", stifled Ruby and Yang, as they watch the start of the commercial with a girl asking her mom if she can douche, "I'm sorry, I know that's unbelievably immature, but this is coming from a time period when women's commercials didn't talk about...women's things. They always used kind of this code word known as 'fresh'."

Blake and Weiss support, "But then, every once in awhile, you just get a commercial that jumps straight to the point, like 'Why douche?'", trying not to laugh.

"I'm sorry, go to the next one; we're too childish to handle this.", said Ruby in a nutshell, changing the commercial.

* * *

 **MENTOS**

Blake starts, "Hey, remember those commercials you swear were from the 70's, but were embarrassed to find out they were made in your decade? Mentos was a candy that seemed to solve every stupid problem with an even stupider answer. But, because the jackass had Mentos in his hand, that apparently made everything okay."

"We suppose it works, seeing how everyone remembers these ads, but we just never got how Mentos was the world peace of any situation.", Weiss reasons.

Both Ruby and Yang see the Mentos ad and responded, "Mentos? Fuck me! Everything's great! Why is this the answer to all of life's problems?"

"Pretty much like a 1-Up in everyday problems. What does it matter? You'll still be humming it, and that's what counts...but getting away scot-free with small crimes doesn't hurt either.", Blake concluded, with her saying at the Mentos commercial's end, "Mentos! Disrupt the System!"

* * *

 **NINTENDO AUSTRALIAN COMMERCIAL**

"Hey! Nintendo! The greatest family-friendly system ever! We remember reviewing the cereal ad back in our first session!", Weiss immediately smiled.

Ruby imagined, "God, I remember when they used to make it look like they could make your house soar, with What's It Like?"

"Or it could ka-blast you out of your seat, with the Nintendo Wireless Controller.", Yang too imagines.

Blake thought, "Or it could open up a world of imagination you never thought possible, with Iron Sword."

"God, we adored those whimsical commercials. So, go ahead! Show us what's in store for this one!", pleaded Weiss with compassion.

The commercial began with the obscure and infamous Australian Nintendo commercial, a blocky man saying 'WE ARE NINTENDO. ULTIMATE TV GAME SYSTEM.', causing team RWBY to be shocked by this.

The four girls shook up, "Who are you-", the blocky man in the ad saying 'WE CHALLENGE ALL PLAYERS.', "You don't look friendly-", as the commercial taunted with the Duck Hunt game as he said 'YOU CANNOT BEAT US.', with the Duck Hunt Dog doing the same as Ruby, Yang, Blake and Weiss leaped back in fright, saying, "Duck Hunt Dog, why are you so scary now?"

The blocky man in the Nintendo ad also taunted with the R.O.B. accessory, with a Smick appearing, saying 'YOU CANNOT BEAT US.', with RWBY shocked by this again!

He again taunts with Mario to score one million, with a Lakitu causing Mario to lose a life, it's cloud appearing and saying 'YOU CANNOT BEAT US.'

"Can we play some Mario now-", Ruby questioned, before the blocky man interrupts, taunting with the Mario game again to discover new worlds, Bowser appearing and saying 'YOU CANNOT BEAT US.'

All Ruby, Yang, Blake and Weiss stuttered in fear, "Are you stealing our souls while we watch you-", before the Smick, the Lakitu cloud and Duck Hunt Dog saying 'YOU CANNOT BEAT US.' at the same time.

At the end of the commercial shows the blocky man, and all four of Bowser, the Duck Hunt Dog, the Smick and the Lakitu cloud saying in unison, 'WE ARE NINTENDO. WE CHALLENGE ALL PLAYERS. YOU CANNOT BEAT US.', as the four had a fearful expression by the horrifying nightmare of an advertisement, ending with the Nintendo logo.

Ruby and Yang were both terrified, while Blake and Weiss fainted in fear. The red-haired leader of team RWBY simply got up from her commentary chair, went to the dorm bathroom, closed the door, and screamed at the top of her lungs! With a flush of the toilet and hands being washed, Ruby exits the bathroom perfectly fine, still with a terrified reaction, and sits back down on the commentary chair with her friends.

This time, Yang (with a terrified look goes to the bathroom, and does the same thing what Ruby did, exiting the bathroom afterwards and sitting back down, who she and Ruby then change the commercial after Blake and Weiss went back to consciousness.

* * *

 **APPLE 1984 MAC AD**

"Good God. Talk about a commercial that got everyone's attention. This was the first ad for the Macintosh. And they depict it in a creepy, _1984_ Orwellian future. Until a Wheaties commercial runs in to save the day.", relieved Ruby and Yang after the Nintendo commercial.

Blake and Weiss agree when the commercial says why 1984 won't be like 1984, "Yes. Apple will save us from the terrifying _1984_ -style future, for as we can clearly see today, no longer are people lined up like cattle for hours and hours on end! No longer will people dress alike in cold, colorless environments! No longer will any cultish-style groups gather together to honor a grand controversial leader! And most importantly, no longer will we be brain-dead, lifeless zombies who plug ourselves into the machine of life we can also call The System."

"Thank you, Apple. You have done well.", Ruby congrulated, as she, Yang, Blake and Weiss snapped their fingers like in The Addams Family.

* * *

 **TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES COOKIES**

Blake and Weiss exhausts, "Good lord, we were really on this dictatorship dystopia kick for awhile, weren't we? What's this one selling?", the advert revealing to be cookie boredom dystopia.

"Cookie boredom? No! NO, we will not give into cookie boredom! We will resist boredom at all costs, EVEN OATMEAL TASTES GREAT LIKE CHOCOLATE CHIP! **FUCK YOU!** ", Ruby objected as she holds up a Chocolate Chip cookie, since she loves cookies, the commercial showing a kid standing up to cookie boredom.

Yang asked, "What? There's someone who is brave enough to stand up to cookie boredom? Don't you know what you're risking? Cookie Hitler watches everything!", before the commercial has a TMNT cookie box opening up with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles turning the black-and-white setting into color.

"Yes, they even had cookies back then, and as someone who tried a box of them once...and I'm still seeing the doctor about it even to this day, you can imagine they weren't very good.", Blake recognized.

Weiss informed, "But like I said before, we were so obsessed with Ninja Turtles that literally all we needed was that first note of the theme song in order to get us hooked."

"It was pathetic but literally, every kid that was watching said, _'Ehh, this looks pretty stupid and lame.'_ , then says, _'Take my money. You play that one note; we buy the stuff, we know how it works!'_ ", Ruby and Yang said.

Blake and Weiss end the ad, "Nevertheless, I think everybody has to admit this is still a great commercial for fighting off cookie boredom. Never give into Cookie Hitler!"

* * *

 **STAR WARS ATARI**

"Speaking of franchise that was needlessly everywhere...", Ruby and Yang mention, reacting with Blake and Weiss to the part of the nostalgic commercial where a gamer was panicking while playing, "Oh, my God, guy, calm down! _Pac-Man_ had more threatening graphics than this!"

Blake and Weiss mocked, "It would be more funnier if that gamer said, _'I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT LINE OF COKE BEFORE PLAYING THIS! AAHHHHHHHHH!'_ , then when he comes up to the cashier and said the Atari Star Wars is some game, he should also say, _'I'm just going to look at a pop-up book for a minute! AAHHHHHH!'_ "

"Jesus, maybe the people in _The_ _Wolf of Wall Street_ weren't even doing drugs; maybe they were just doing the _Star Wars_ Atari game the whole time! Maybe, foreshadowing from Titanic much?", Ruby thought.

Yang finishes up, " _Star Wars_. It's that...good?", the Star Wars Atari commercial concluding.

* * *

 **HONEY-COMB MAN**

Blake and Weiss sigh, "Ahh, Honey-Comb. The only successful cereal that clearly had no idea how to market itself."

"I bet the Honey-Comb Man would be like, _'We're gonna go search for an identity! I'm thinking Indiana Jones, Star Wars, Battletoads, and I guess a little Star Wars again. The other guy, 80's Gamer, really seemed to like it.'_ ", Ruby giggled.

Yang reacted with the Open Your Mouth, Close Your Eyes part, "Whoa, whoa, wait a minute! Kid's commercial, guys, kid's commercial! The Honey-Comb Man should also say, _'And let Paedophilia Jones do the rest of the work.'_ "

"Well, it does wash out the big taste of something else. Especially when the lights are off. And it's probably best if you don't bite.", warned Blake and Weiss, ending the cereal ad.

* * *

 **CANADA PUPPET PSA - DON'T PUT STUFF IN YOUR MOUTH  
FINAL COMMERCIAL OF THE REVIEW  
**

"Oh, thank God, another Canadian commercial! They'll calm us down from all this "open your mouth and close your eyes" controversy.", calmed Ruby.

Yang, reacting with Ruby, Blake and Weiss to the two blue puppets in the PSA, "Goddamn it, Canada!", the four facepalming and frustrated with the ad, the song 'Don't You Put It In Your Mouth' heard.

"Really? You were looking for a word to rhyme with "sick", and that's the best one you can come up with in this scenario?", Blake asked, glaring.

Weiss criticizes, "God, do they have to look so _possessed_ while singing it, too? It just doesn't add to the overall feel of the experience!", the Canada Puppet PSA, the final commercial of the session ending.

"Play it, you all know it's coming. Rape whistle.", Ruby said, unsatisfied.

All four say in unison, "CANADA! Ta-da!"

"Canada. We make fun of you with this because you have nothing else to make fun of...except if that something in your mouth, is the person that you love.", Ruby taught a lesson, before Ruby kisses Yang on the lips while Blake kisses Weiss momentarily, an audience booing sound effect heard, "I'm Ruby...", she said after the four stop kissing.

"I'm Yang..."

"I'm Blake..."

"...and I'm Weiss."

"Thank you for watching my commercial special. Tune in next time where we hope NOT to lose even more of you! And remember," team RWBY overalls, before the three dance to the 'Don't You Put It In Your Mouth' song, getting up and resuming their duties.

 **End of Episode V: Rise of the Commercials (AKA: The Quickening)**

 **The sixth episode is coming soon!**


	6. Conquest! (Project Remnant)

**A/N: Features a special animation legend appearance in the sixth session.**

 **VALE**

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know the drill!", Ruby said to the audience readers, rushing to the team RWBY's dorm room where Yang, Blake and Weiss are waiting, Ruby having the Rooster Teeth wax-sealed red subtitle ballot with her.

Yang, Blake and Weiss ask, "Where have you been?", when Ruby entered and sat down with them on their commentary chairs.

"Sorry, I'm a bit late because there was a paper jam problem. I made it, so let's get over with! Hello, I'm Ruby..."

"...I'm Yang..."

"...I'm Blake..."

"...and I'm Weiss."

Ruby and Yang said, "You know the rest. If you're like us, then you're excited that we get to review commercials again!"

"Oh the nostalgia, oh the memories, oh the mass marketing manipulation! You can't wait for them, neither can we.", Blake and Weiss anticipate.

Ruby quickly sped, "Seeing how we called the other sessions After These Messages, We'll Be Right Back, Exclamation Point (!), The Fourth Coming, and the Quickening, this one we'll be calling...", tearing up the subtitle ballot envelope for the four to read the subtitle paper quickly, "...Project Remnant! Let's just get to it, here we go! _COMMERCIALS!_ ", beginning their intro review commercial song like always.

 **Weiss: After these messages... (Yang: ...after these messages...) Blake: ...after these messages... (Ruby: ...after these messages...) All 4: We'll be right back!**

The four reveal the sixth title of their commercial review session;

 **EPISODE 6: CONQUEST OF THE COMMERCIALS  
** **(Project Remnant)**

* * *

 **SHOWBIZ'S PIZZA PLACE - DRAGON'S LAIR**

"Hey, kids! Remember when Chuck E. Cheese made Showbiz Pizza disappear...under...mysterious circumstances...well, this is how they used to advertise on TV.", Ruby started off the first commercial of the sixth session.

Yang guessed, "Actually, maybe the reason they ran out of business is because they put fog machines on top of their games for some reason. It'll be like, _'Come on! I can't see the princess cleavage!'_ "

"It also doesn't help that each game was given one giant dark room to itself. About as cost-effective as Willy Wonka shrinking his giant chocolate bars. But who gives a shit? He's playing _Dragon's Lair_.", Blake supposes.

Weiss remembers, "The most gorgeous robbery of your money ever. We lost so many quarters to this thing 'cause we had to keep reminding ourselves we weren't watching a movie."

"As in, _'Oh, I hope Dirk's reunited with his Russian mouse family from An American Tale- I mean, DAMNIT! I'm playing a game!'_ ", imagined Ruby and Yang.

Blake and Weiss wondered, "Why didn't this ever become a movie? Wouldn't that've made sense? Wouldn't you want it explained where the yellow flashing light came from? Or the dragon's ability to learn bubble trapping technology? Or how...Daphne made your heart flutter a bit?"

"Why didn't they ever make this a movie? With Don Bluth and his people? They haven't made a movie since Titan A.E., but-", Ruby says, before a flashing yellow light showed up on the left side to Yang, Ruby, Blake and Weiss, "What is it, flashing yellow light? You're trying to tell us something?", the four getting up and following it.

The yellow flashing light started flashing on the dorm room door, the four leaving the room as the yellow light continues flashing to downstairs, then the exit, then moments later to the library while Ruby, Yang, Blake and Weiss follow it's directions. One time they almost went the wrong way, but led to the library at the time.

When they came to the library, a computer display was showing a Dragon's Lair: The Movie video thumbnail as the yellow light flashes, the four girls coming over, the final yellow flashing light blinking on the mouse. Once Ruby touches it and was about to click...

...it does not respond, due to the computer's slowness and temporary poor Internet connection.

"Why isn't it working...?", Ruby struggled.

Yang shrugged, "Strange. Pretty slow right now."

"Why were we following a yellow light?", Blake and Weiss facepalmed in disappointment.

Ruby asks, "We'll get to that later. Wanna continue reviewing?"

"Okay.", Yang, Blake and Weiss said, the four going back to the dorm and leaving the library.

However, this ignorance has triggered a tease of a special appearance...

Back at the dorm, Ruby finishes, "A simple commercial, but simply 80s. What's not to like of it?", the Dragon's Lair Showbiz's Pizza Place commercial ending.

* * *

 **TIGER TALKBOY**

"Ah, the only good thing to come out of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. Aside from an even gayer Tim Curry. The whole movie practically served as an advertisement for this thing.", Yang said, "Very clever.", the Talkboy ad showing an example with the 'Hey, stop drooling on me!' part.

Blake and Weiss say, "Yeah, that's what a voice app used to look like, kids. In fact, that's practically what cell phones used to look like, too. The commercial just shows a boy playing pranks on his sister. That's cute and all, but you gotta question a little bit of the plausibility. Like the voice speed control.", the commercial with a boy using it, showing the 'Hi, kids! We're home early!' part.

"What creepy-ass parent sounds like that? Is there a kid and some friends out there who really has a father who's like, _'Hi, kids, I'm about to go slaughter puppies. You stay here and go to bed by 11:00 or...I'll eat your heart.'_ Sounds real creepy to be honest.", creeped out Ruby.

Yang shudders, "Dated technology today, but kinda cool back then, with a funny, if not disturbing, ad to go along with it.", the Tiger Talkboy ad showing the end, "As recommended by Peter McAlllister. _'The father.'_ "

* * *

 **ZEST**

Blake cringed at the start of the Zest commercial with a woman bathing and splashing water everywhere, "Jesus Christ, lady! Who bathes like that?! Clean my ass! You're making a bigger mess than a dog who just walked through a thunderstorm!"

"Look at this asshole. What is he on, a trampoline?", Weiss saw when a man in the advert was jumping while showering, "He's like, _'I'm only two feet tall, don't judge me!'_ ", the ad showing a woman behind a shower cover asking if she looks clean, then appears cleaner without the shower cover.

The four girls scream in shock, "DAAAAAH! **WITCHCRAFT!** "

"Seriously! The announcer should say, _'Zest turns a relativity relaxing part of your day into a seizure inducing physical strain that'll cause you more spasms than a sponge in a electric chair.'_ ", Ruby and Yang smoothly said, "Look at this dude, he just wants to take a nice quick relaxing shower. What the hell does he get?", the ad showing a guy getting in a shower with a bar of Zest soap, acting like a water park.

Blake and Weiss also react, "HOLY SHIT, WHAT IS HAPPENING?!", clearing their throat, "We knew we shouldn't have taken crystal meth in the morning. But we never do, so..."

"Speaking of people clearly on drugs...", Ruby and Yang mention, another man singing the Zestfully Clean song, "He's like, _'My hero's a bar of soap, I need counseling!'_ "

Blake ended, "I don't know why they had to make getting clean look like a orgasmic water park, but I guess it worked, because they're still talking about it today. Pretty silly, but it's a campy kind of silly. Kind of hard not to still get a giggle at it.", the Zest commercial finishing with her thinking about the beginning with the woman splashing, "Lady, what is WRONG with you?"

* * *

 **SPAGHETTIOS**

"Here's an old favorite. It's a coach trying to get his team excited to win the big game, but an organ-dicing of pasta gets them hyped up for SpaghettiOs instead, because, yeah, I'd get a lot more excited for that than winning a freakin' sport!", gladly said Weiss.

Ruby said, "What the hell are they even playing? It's a unisex sport with no uniforms and a game plan that looks more like a map to buried treasure. No wonder they're distracted by melted gnocchi. They don't even know what they're playing!", a kid in the commercial bored by the coach's sports plans.

"That kid would be like, _'Don't you hate it when he motivates us for a miscellaneous sport that we don't like but we signed up for anyway?'_ ", Yang bored, the commercial showing the kids yelling SpaghettiOs after the coach said the sports plans, confusing him.

"Yeah, you got it right, kids! Sports are dumb, SpaghettiOs are awesome! It's just like that controversial Super Bowl years ago.", Blake mentions, "Imagine the gamemaker cancels the game because of both teams wanting to eat SpaghettiOs, which would kick him off the game!", the four laughing.

Weiss reviewed at the end, "A weird ad for a gross product, but one that will still stay fresh in our memories.", SpaghettiOs commercial concluding.

* * *

 **BEDTIME BARBIE**

Ruby replies at the start of the Barbie commercial, "Well, that was just said!", disturbed with Yang, Blake and Weiss while the girl in the commercial saying the Barbie doll is soft, "Okay, I'm just going to let you figure things out, little girl. There's no rush, just...you might want to check out some of these cartoons, like maybe Steven Universe or The Legend of Korra."

"Okay, you just kissed her nipple! I'm okay with being curious, but sleeping in pink potato sacks is not consent!", criticizes Yang when the girl in the ad kisses the doll

Blake says when the doll has a feature where it's legs bend as a sleep position, "Oh, look, she sleeps the same way Zestfully Clean people bathe. Though, I guess you'd want to move around, too, if you slept in a nightgown that even the Duggars would call too conservative.", the last part of the Bedtime Barbie commercial shown.

"Okay, I don't want to enforce any gender stereotypes or anything like that, but...what if this was a boy's commercial? Like, the exact same lines and everything, just you switched out the genders to male. Would boys _really_ look at this the exact same way?", questioned Weiss uneasily.

Ruby shivers in disgust, "That would be creepy, yet explicit, but you get the idea. What can one say, but...naivety, thy name is Bedtime Barbie.", the Bedtime Barbie ad finishing.

* * *

 **MCDONALD'S #3**

"Oh, of course, McDonald's is one of the kings of children's marketing, using the only clown who's a surprisingly slower killer than Pennywise.", Yang introduced when the 1989 McDonald's advert began.

Blake and Weiss said during the 1989 McDonald's commercial, "These ads always had brilliant slogans and catchphrases that would change up every year or two, but strangely sometimes, they were said so fast that you'd swear they sound a little bit like something else. Like, listen to this and tell me if one of these words sounds just the tiniest bit like something else."

The commercial then had Ronald McDonald and the two kids singing Food, Folks and Fun, with team RWBY confused, "What?", as they thought they were instead singing to what they think as Food, Fucks and Fun.

"Did they just add orgies to the dollar menu?", Ruby curiously asked, revolted by this when the four continue listening to the song.

Yang guesses, "Is the secret sauce lubricant now?", the two kids in the commercial singing the song Food, Folks and Fun.

"Stop saying that!", warned Blake, the song repeating.

Weiss trembled, "We're very uncomfortable now!"

"You were that clown from Eyes Wide Shut, weren't you?", supposes Ruby.

Yang frantically asks, "Is nobody hearing this?"

"Don't touch those kids!", Blake and Weiss angered to Ronald McDonald in the commercial when the Food, Folks and Fun song continued.

Ruby thought, "This might be how they did McDonald's at Caligula's home, but not on Saturday Mornings!"

"This is way too unsettling. I gotta find something more pure and innocent!", Yang decided, changing the commercial.

* * *

 **SUBWAY**

The commercial shows Jared Fogel, which the four girls cringe to.

Blake said, "Not that.", taking the remote and changing the ad.

* * *

 **BILL COSBY'S PUDDING POPS**

The advertisement shows Bill Cosby, the team shocked as well.

"Not that!", Weiss told as she took the remote, changing it.

* * *

 **AYDS  
**

Ruby smiled in relief, "Ah, here we go.", when the woman in the beginning was eating candy, but not before she says she was losing weight with the aid of Ayds, a weight loss candy, but hugely refers to the disease AIDS.

The four girls of team RWBY's jaws drop as Weiss drops the remote, all shocked by this commercial by it's disease reference. They watch more of the commercial with the woman and a man explaining what Ayds does, but the four girls think of it as referring to AIDS, with the woman saying it helps her lose weight.

"I think a lot of people would disagree with you on that.", Ruby unsurely disagrees, her friends nodding.

When the four watch the ad with a man asking if you can enjoy Ayds instead of diet pills, Yang said, "We can safely say there are some reasons.", the ad showing the woman saying you eat less, losing weight naturally.

"Among a...few other side effects.", Blake and Weiss pointed out uneasily, with the same woman in the informercial asking the viewer to try Ayds.

Ruby and Yang explained, "Okay, dude, this came out in the mid-80s. Were...none of you reading a paper? ...About the widespread tragedy of you-know-what?", the ad ending with two flavors, with a third Ayds flavor being Peanut Butter.

"Peanut Butter Ayds! ...Excuse me, your ignorance has caused us to retreat into the uncomfortable corner.", replies Blake and Weiss, as the two, Ruby and Yang stood up and walked off again.

It appears that the four girls actually slumped down and sulked in a corner, embracing each other in sorrow due to the ignorant references to the AIDS virus, sadly thinking of those who died by the sickness.

Ruby finished, "This is too saddening...", before the four sat back down and changed the ad.

* * *

 **SEGATA SANSHIRO**

"Okay, we gotta get the bad taste of that commercial out of our heads. So let's travel all the way to Japan for one of the greatest ads of all time! It's for the Sega Saturn. And to emphasize how intense it was, they created Segata Sanshiro, the most aggressive spokesperson EVER! It didn't matter what you were doing.", Yang summarizes.

Blake exampled, "If you were off to play baseball, he'd beat the shit out of you and say _'Play Saturn!'_ instead!"

"Going out dancing tonight? Fuck that noise, you're playing Saturn now!", Weiss said another example.

Ruby says a third one, "Hey, look, it's Santa! Oh, shit, it's Segata! Better start playing Sega, goddammit!"

"When he wasn't pounding the console into you, both figuratively and literally, he was winning soccer games, beating skaters with no skates, killing zombies, falling in love, and training to his kickass theme song!", told Yang about Segata's story, "Outrageous, beautiful, and amazing, ALL at the same time!"

Blake nods, "I have to agree, this guy is AMAZING! He's like Chuck Norris fully realized! You know, like, if you have Chuck Norris and took out the homophobes stuff, you'd have Segata!"

"He's like a myth they talk about in stories, if that myth had a physical form that can punch you! He was one of the most phenomenal things to ever hit television!", Weiss advised.

Ruby spilt the beans, "Sadly, though, every myth has to die. Yep! They actually killed off Segata in the only way Segata can die: Stopping a nuclear warhead from destroying Sega by jumping off a building, propelling back with his own feet, and launching it into space! It was...pretty emotional.", the final commercial of Segata Sanshiro showing his sacrifice and memory, causing her and her friends to cry, "We will never forget you, Segata. We'll ironically not forget the Sega Saturn, it's not around anymore, BUT **YOU WILL ALWAYS LIVE ON!** ", Ruby said, emotionally.

"He's one of the most awesome series of commercials ever, and I proudly support a beating of me if it means seeing more of his incredibleness.", concludes Yang as she, Ruby, Blake and Weiss salute to the late Segata Sanshiro.

* * *

 **A TROLL IN CENTRAL PARK TRAILER**

Blake groans in disappointment at the start of the Don Bluth movie commercial, "Oh, God. You ever look at an ad for a movie and say, _'Shit. I'm gonna have to look at this for a few months.'_?", the narrator saying about director Don Bluth in the ad.

"The director who gave us some of the greatest animated movies of all time says, _'You know what? Maybe Barney was on to something.'_ ", Weiss referred.

Ruby and Yang both dispute, "God. I'm just waiting for Dirk the Daring to slice his head off, or the T-Rex from _Land Before Time_ to devour him, or the Owl from _Secret of NIMH_ to peck his little face out! **DON BLUTH UP THIS DON BLUTH FILM!** "

"And we know what you're thinking, aren't we being a little too hard on an animation legend? Well, if he has a problem with it, he can tell us himself!", Blake stated.

The ad changes, which appears to reveal the special appearance through transmission, the animation director legend, Don Bluth.

The four girls froze in surprise as the director was glaring at them. The four then hesitantly asks, "Don Bluth?", as they recognize him, and were all happy to see and meet with him for the very first time.

"Oh, my god! **WE ARE THE BIGGEST FANS EVER!** Oh my god, Don Bluth's looking at us right now! The Secret of NIMH is one of our favorite all-time movies! Holy shit! _American Tail_ , where he's just like, _'I'll never find my parents!' 'Mother right there! Look to the fucking left!'_ _Oh, The Land Before Time_ , oh, my God! Before George Lucas was a swear word, that was, like, the most unbelievable thing! You're like, _'I want a kick-ass movie about dinosaurs!'_ ", Ruby and Yang excited to the max with Blake and Weiss cheering, "YOU ARE AMAZING! And what are you doing right now?"

Don Bluth then said, "Just waiting. I wanna see what you girls are gonna do."

"...What?", team RWBY asked in unison, responding with silence from the director with a glare.

Blake realizes, "Oh, we see. Because we made fun of some of your work in the past, you're giving me the silent treatment, huh?", still with a silent response.

"Okay, all right. I'm not gonna be intimidated by a film giant like you. You gonna give me the silent treatment? I'm gonna give you the exact same thing back.", bets Weiss, the four becoming silent at him too.

After a few moments of silence, Ruby then tries to answer him by saying, "Knock-knock.", but no response, "Oh, come on- It's the law, you have to say who's there.", still with Bluth receiving silence, " _'Knock-knock.' 'Who's there?' 'Yugo.' 'Yugo who?'_ You go BYE-BYE!", Ruby infuriates, changing the channel on him.

But it changes back to the same channel with Don Bluth's glaring death stare, shocking the four! Ruby tries again, but results in the same thing.

"How the hell are you doing that?!", Yang exclaims, changing the channel in an attempt, but Don Bluth appears still. Every time they try changing it, he was still there.

Blake jolts, "Aah! Suck my Rock-A-Doodle, you weirdo!", changing the channel, and successfully changes to the next ad.

* * *

 **MIGHTY MORPHIN' POWER RANGERS TOYS**

"Hey, it's the most tedious hand garments advertised until Frozen. Like said before, white as snow.", Weiss giggles.

Ruby humorously said, "The announcer would even say, _'Now, you can be tough by looking like a mix between a NASCAR Driver and Dexter's mom!'_ "

"Oh, look, you even pretend you're the Power Rangers with this stock footage. Just like the **real** actors pretend they're the Power Rangers with stock footage. Actually, the funniest thing about this commercial isn't even the gloves, it's the alarm you're supposed to put outside your door.", notifies Yang, a bully in the commercial shown with the alarm and being scared away by it.

Blake proves, "Oh, yeah, if you got bullies at your school, that's **sure** to scare them away! Look at that. He hears the sound, and he immediately goes into a seizure. We think most of us know what would **really** happen in this situation. It would be like the bully going inside than being scared off like a coward."

"Hey, as long as they don't play Let It Go, I'm totally okay with these things existing.", okays Weiss, making a Frozen reference, as the Power Rangers toys commercial ends.

* * *

 **SUPERMAN PEANUT BUTTER**

Ruby and the three others see the beginning of the Superman Peanut Butter commercial, with Lex Luthor holding Superman captive in a cage right by Kryptonite on a table, demanding to ask why Superman Peanut Butter tastes so great, "...Slow day for evil, huh, Lex?", the red-black-haired girl uncomfortably answering this, the advert continuing that the secret will be all Lex's.

"Lex would add, _'I need it to make my ultimate weapon! Peanut Butter Ayds!'_ ", Yang mocked as Lex, and normally apologizes, "Sorry for the reference again."

Blake says the final part of the commercial, "The kids save Superman and supposedly put Luthor away in jail, but we don't know, is it me or does this look more like Rapunzel's tower? Why do they lock him up in the same place that Bowser holds Princess Peach?"

"Also, Superman was ready to **DIE** to keep the recipe of his peanut butter safe? That's some pretty jacked up priorities there.", said Weiss, criticizing again to the inconsistency.

Ruby agreed, "I could imagine, would be funny, but dramatic too. With ads like these, we're not shocked that Super Butter isn't still around.", the commercial finishing.

They change the ad, but shows Don Bluth's deathly glaring stare once again.

"DAMN IT, YOU DEVIL!", shrieked team RWBY, changing the channel on him successfully for the second time.

* * *

 **FROSTED MINI-WHEATS**

"Ah, yeah, remember these? These were the Frosted Mini-Wheats commercials that advertised both adults and kids AS adults and kids.", informed Yang.

Blake and Weiss input, "The adults would always talk about the healthy aspects of the cereal while the kids always talked about the sugar coated part of it."

"The only problem is, if any adult really could communicate with himself years later, it probably wouldn't be as chipper as they were letting on. Some would probably freak out.", envisaged Ruby.

Yang climaxes, "Still a cute idea, even if reality can get the best of it.", the Frosted Mini-Wheats ad closing.

* * *

 **POKEMON RED AND BLUE**

Blake says, "Ah, when Pokemon came out, we were about the right age for it, and if you're a little kid and grew up with it, great, we're glad you had fun, but for the nerve of some people who had to endure this, this was a pain in the ass to put up with! Not us, though. We LOVE Pokemon."

"It was everywhere, it was like every boy band except the obnoxious music was replaced with Pika, Pika, Pika! We didn't know it was about and we didn't care. We just knew it was cute, so cute!", adored Weiss, "So, pardon me if we're very excited to watch another commercial on it!", the Pokemon Red and Blue commercial starting with the bus driver picking up dozens of Pokemon, and stopped somewhere, which reveals to be a compacting area.

Ruby shocks, "Wait, what's he doing?", the bus driver in the Pokemon ad activates the crusher compacter, Ruby, Yang, Blake and Weiss cringing in fright as it slowly beginning to crush the bus with all the Pokemon in it!

"My god, what's happening?! Are they gonna die!?", worried Yang, afraid of what's happening, the commercial showing the bus getting close to crush the Pokemon!

Blake and Weiss screamed, " **NO! NO! NO! DON'T DO IT!** DONT SQUASH THEM! THEY'RE TOO YOUNG TO GET KILLED! **DON'T TURN THEM INTO POKEMASH!** ", the bus in the ad finally getting crushed with the bus driver smiling while Ruby and Yang watching this were hugging each other in an effort to comfort one another!

"...Why? **Why did you do that?** It's...it's so sad! All those Pokemon were precious to us... This advert just ruined our childhood...", cried Ruby in ultimate despair with Yang, Blake and Weiss, before the four found out all the Pokemon in the bus have survived, only that they were inside a Game Boy made from the crushed bus, the announcer asks where to get 150 Pokemon and says on the Game Boy, "They're...they're alive! They're okay! We're so happy they're okay!", hugging Yang, Blake and Weiss who relieve from this, wiping their tears off, as Ruby suddenly questioned, "But how'd you get a Game Boy from a bus?"

Yang feared, "If it ended with the bus instead of the Game Boy, it's gonna be the saddest imagined ending anyone could think of for Pokemon. Glad they're still alive."

"A dark idea, even if it does need to go too happy near the end.", simply ended Blake, as the four watch the bus compacter part again, "NO! PLEASE DON'T DIE!"

* * *

 **SUPER NINTENDO SUPER SCOPE**

"Ah, yes, the Super Scope! The R.O.B. the Robot of the Super Nintendo. Okay, so you're a Nintendo kid, and you have a ton of fun, blasting things with your blaster. What do you want that's even more advanced than that?", Weiss introduces at the start of the Super Scope commercial.

Ruby and Yang thinks, "Well, gee, how about a shotgun or a machine gun or a bazooka? Okay, in hindsight, it does sound kind of cool. I mean, bazookas make big explosions, and we're all sick fucks, so we'd like that. But with those other guns, you could be mobile. You can move around, you can pretend you're an action hero. Who pretends to have a bazooka?"

"What little kid is like, _'Hey, you wanna go play cops and robbers?' 'Nah, I'd much rather play a gigantic piece of plastic I place on my arm, immediately making it sore, and sitting still, looking through a little eyepiece.' 'I'm going to hear about you on the news, aren't I?'_ _'Yes you are.'_ ", Blake and Weiss imitated.

Ruby and Yang explains, "It was so boring even to look at that they had to line up a bunch of them in a row, tricking you into thinking it was more cool than it really was. Yeah, you know the one thing they're not doing? Firing them at the frigging screen, because it's goddamn boring! Oh, wait, we'll do it once. There we go, now back to all the exciting things you will never do with it."

"I know it's like a collector's item, and it has a special place in people's hearts; but there's a reason it never caught on.", Blake opinions when the Super Scope announcer says it's only $60.

Weiss concluded, "Christ, that sounds like too much even today, and that was a lot more back then! Give these ads credit for trying to make it look good, but it's another one of those accessories that just never got the momentum it needed.", mocking as the announcer at the end, "Super Scope! It's not Virtual Boy, but it's close."

For the third time, they change the commercial, to which Don Bluth's death glare appears again!

"JESUS! YOU FUCKING PSYCHO!", yelled team RWBY, successfully changing it thrice.

* * *

 **WORKPLACE SAFETY & INSURANCE BOARD SOUS CHEF ACCIDENT PSA**

Ruby stated at the beginning of the Sous Chef PSA, "Here's a little PSA from...Canada?", jolting, "Nuh-uh! Nope! We've learned our lesson! Canada is fucked up! They may all look cute and innocent, but then they're sneaking in rape whistles, and putting stuff in their mouths, and God knows what else! Well, we're not falling for it this time!", the four watching carefully at the PSA, the female sous chef telling the viewers she is going to be head chef.

"Oh. Well, that...sounds kinda nice. After all, head chef's like being chairman or the president, specifically and similarly.", answered Yang, the ad exampling the sous chef ringing a wedding ring, revealing she has a fiancee.

Blake charmed, "Oh, well, that sounds sweet. A nice couple finally found love, just like me and Weiss. We both are thinking of doing an engagement soon.", the chef saying in the ad she will not be marrying that weekend.

"Oh, what? Did you have to change the date or something? God, that's always so hard when that happens. Me and Blake aren't breaking up. Never.", saddens Weiss, the chef explaining that she will be in a terrible accident in the commercial, the four girls asking, "Huh?"

The chef in the ad explains more as she carries a boiling pot of water before she slipped, fell and the water spilled on her, screaming in pain as another chef calls out for help, team RWBY freaking out by this!

Ruby yells, "OH! OH, GOD! OH, GOD! **CANADA, YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK, CANADA! WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?!** SHE WAS GONNA BE MARRIED, AND THEN YOU FUCKED UP WITH HER FACE! **YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK, CANADA!** There really are no accidents? No, no, no, no, no! We don't care what you're advertising, 'CAUSE YOU'RE SICK! **YOU'RE SICK, CANADA! I AM NEVER VISITING YOU, 'CAUSE YOU'RE SCARY! YOU'RE A SCARY PLACE, CANADA!** PUT IT ON YOUR FLAG, WE'RE SCARY! **YOU'RE SCARY! WE'RE KEEPING MICHAEL J. FOX,** YOU KEEP WHATEVER THE HELL WE GAVE YOU...which is probably nothing... **'CAUSE YOU'RE SICK!** ", as the commercial shows the chef getting injured as Ruby screamed.

Yang, Blake and Weiss hollered, "CHANGE IT! CHANGE THE COMMERCIAL!", as Ruby succeeds in changing it from the PSA, but ends up with Don Bluth's death glare for the fourth time, Ruby screaming again as the other three said again, "CHANGE IT! CHANGE THE CHANNEL!", succeeding for the fourth time in a row!

* * *

 **SLIM JIM**

"Oh, yeah! Oh, if you're too young to remember this, then you need an education. The idea of having a wrestler advertise beef jerky sounds as standard as anything. But when that wrestler is Randy Savage, and he's given one hell of an extreme campaign, it turned out to be one of the coolest ads ever.", thumbs-upped Yang, relaxing with Ruby, Blake and Weiss after the awful PSA.

Blake says, "Yeah, let's face it, when a room starts shaking and shit starts blowing up, **this** is the person you want to see causing it! Randy Savage comes and saves the day with Slim Jim!", an example with Randy Savage interrupting a Romeo and Juliet play practice.

"There has never been a more pleasing image to come out of a puff of smoke. He's like the Kool-Aid Man if he slipped you ecstasy! You just never wanted this guy to leave.", enjoyed Weiss.

Ruby said, "Look at this, it's a room full of lamps. I'm getting hard just thinking of Randy Savage busting in here!", the commercial with the lamps shown, Randy Savage appearing in a lamp store and lamps started exploding after Randy, and two kids bites a Slim Jim, the four girls squealing in delight, "Oh, my God, is there a way to mate with Slim Jim's? Don't answer that, Internet. To us, there IS a way!"

"He had so much testosterone, even saying the letter T seems super aggressive.", admitted Yang, "These are some of the coolest ads ever, and so much of it came from the Macho Man himself. If you haven't come across any of these yet, then definitely go check them out.", she finishes, with Randy Savage asking in the ad that if they want excitement, snap into a Slim Jim, the four girls saying in unison, "YEEEAAAH!", the ad concluding.

* * *

 **TELEPHONE TAMMY  
FINAL COMMERCIAL OF THE REVIEW**

Blake and Weiss both reacted at the beginning of the session's last commercial, Telephone Tammy the baby doll, "We...j- No!", disgusted when the baby doll had waiting for the young girl's call to share secrets, "Hey, girls, ever wanted to talk on the phone with a toddler? Of course you haven't, 'cause that would be goddamn insane! But this exists for some reason."

"Fucking weird, right? What are the chances of finding another girl who likes shopping? We're like soulmates, two-year-old who seems uncomfortably well-spoken.", Ruby and Yang said.

Blake and Weiss proved when Telephone Tammy asks the girl if she likes pizza, "Does she? 'Cause it sounds like mostly useless shit to me. It's like they're trying to combine traditional girl stuff to a point where it makes no sense."

"Like, hey, you like horses and dresses? Here's a dress made out of horses. You like babies and cooking? Here's how to cook babies. You like dancing and tea parties? Read Pride and Prejudice _._ It's an engaging read of challenging social class.", Ruby and Yang gave their point.

Blake and Weiss finish up the last commercial, "Why did these things come together? I don't know, it doesn't seem to still be around, so I guess it didn't work. Some combinations are clever, this one is just...odd.", the Telephone Tammy ending.

Just before team RWBY could finish up, for the fifth and final time, Don Bluth's death glare appeared!

"OKAY! We're done! We're sorry! We're sorry about all the things we've said about you! **Just, FOR GOD'S SAKES, STOP GIVING ME THAT DEATH GLARE! WE'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT! ANYTHING AT ALL!** JUST, FOR GOD'S SAKES, STOP LOOKING AT US WITH THOSE HORRIBLE DON BLUTH-Y EYES! **WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!** ", team RWBY all apologized and pleaded, waiting for Don Bluth's response.

Don Bluth then looks at them with a questioned look, before he said...

"Nothing."

Team RWBY immediately look confused, "What?"

"Nothing. Apology accepted.", simply said Don Bluth.

Ruby thought, "Huh, no punishment or anything?"

"Nope. Just nothing. But, I just want to tell you girls, that there will come a time when I will need you to review something of mine.", requested Don Bluth, the four girls of team RWBY nodding, "A classic of my own. Something that's worthy of nostalgia. Not now, not tomorrow, but sometime around, you'll review it."

Ruby, Yang, Blake and Weiss all confirm, "It's a deal! We'll do it! Anything for you, Don Bluth, to take back all the things we've offended!"

"That settles it. Goodbye, RWBY."

"Goodbye, Don Bluth!", the four waved goodbye as Don Bluth turned off the transmission.

The four girls of team RWBY hesitated after this, and finished their commercial review session quickly, "I'm Ruby...", "I'm Yang...", "I'm Blake...", "...and I'm Weiss.", Ruby concluding, "We remember it so you don't have to! See ya on the next review!", standing up from their chairs and leaving to hang out.

 **End of Episode VI: Conquest of the Commercials (AKA: Project Remnant)  
The seventh review of the seventh chapter is coming!**


	7. Battle! (Like You Give A F--K)

**VALE**

Ruby, Yang, Blake and Weiss were sitting down, the former opening the subtitle ballot with the Rooster Teeth wax seal, the four looking at it for a second, Ruby throwing it away, as the four said their team instead of their names this time, the summary, and the subtitle;

"We, Team RWBY. Are, Reviewing commercials. Subtitle, Like You Give A F**k. **COMMERCIALS!** "

Ruby says in excitement, "Here we go!", starting the intro song of RWBY's.

 **Weiss: After these messages... (Yang: ...after these messages...) Blake: ...after these messages... (Ruby: ...after these messages...) ...We'll be right back!**

The four reveal the seventh commercial review session title;

 **EPISODE 7: BATTLE OF THE COMMERCIALS  
** **(Like You Give A F**K)**

* * *

 **SPIDER-MAN FOR THE ATARI 2600**

"Uh-oh, what's the Green Goblin up to now? Oh, no! He's forcing Spider-Man to play his own Atari game! Actually, that is kind of evil.", Ruby started.

Yang explains, "This is an enjoyably goofy commercial, but what really sells it is the guy playing the Goblin. I think his dentist put meth in his laughing gas. Somehow, we love this guy in this ad. He can't even leave the frame without going nuts!", the Green Goblin in the video game commercial saying to Spider-Man that he's running out of web fluid in the game.

"What's he even saying here? He's so excited, I can't make it out!", Blake questions, the four listening to this again, and they're confused about it, "Okay, I've watched this over a hundred times, I've studied it, I've analyzed every possibility; I _still_ don't know what the hell he's saying! Here are our closest guesses, including Blue Whip? Glue Lids? Blue Wigs? Flu Weed? The last one was close though."

Weiss truthfully said, "We all laughed at this, but honestly, it's not too far off from what some of the Sam Raimi movies have. If Goblin and Spider-Man can relax on a roof in those ridiculous outfits, playing an Atari game isn't too far off."

"Can I say, but web-slinging fun never looked so...pixelated. All in favor of loving Spider-Man.", Ruby ended the Spider-Man Atari commercial, the four raising their hands to confirm they love Spider-Man.

* * *

 **FEDERAL EXPRESS AIR CARGO PLAYSET**

Yang surprised, "Whoa! Stand back! The world's most exciting toys are here!", the ad with the playset shown, "Yeah, I remember how jealous I was of the kids that had Federal Express playsets. Here we were, watching the side of our home painted dry, we had no idea there was something even more boring!"

"Hey, slow down! There's only so much excitement we can take!", Blake eased as the commercial showed more details, "I have enough intensity with my Pet Rock, thank you very much.", and the Faunus also says when the kid in the commercial says wow, "Did that really deserve a 'wow'? We could barely muster an 'eh'?"

Weiss reasoned, "That kid must be like, _'I'm prepared for a lifetime of disappointment!'_. Yeah, this commercial's pretty much as boring as it sounds. Come on, guys, you had the Micro Machines Man working for you! Couldn't you utilize him somehow?"

"This is so boring, my skin may be turning into cardboard! Let's play something else instead of that, right guys?", Ruby slaps her face in disappointment and asked, the three girls agreeing with her.

Yang concludes, "FedEx, putting _'return to sender'_ on your kid's imagination.", at the end of the Federal Express playset advertisement.

* * *

 **FROSTED FLAKES**

"Ah, Tony the Tiger. You represent everything youthful and strong with the voice of an 80-year-old.", nostalgias Blake, "Though Tony's, of course, still around, there was a very distinct formula that was used in the '80s and '90s ads."

Weiss dislikes one of the commercials' facts, "You see, it always starts with Tony befriending some random kid at some random sport who's always being made fun of by bullies. One of those bullies must be like, _'Time to tie our sweaters around our chests and throw Cadillacs at puppies.'_ "

"What's wrong with these dipshits? You're making fun of a kid that has a killer predator on his side! This is not gonna end well!", warns Ruby, mimicking as a bully, " _'What are you gonna do? Sic your giant animated tiger on me– AAAAAH!'_ He gets attacked by Tony and so on."

Yang recognizes, "But, of course, it's the great taste of Frosted Flakes that brings out their inner tiger and transforms them into a sport-star.", the four watching the commercial to the fact that the cereal will turn kids into sports stars, "We see some false advertising in that."

"Some meat, protein bars, vegetables; these are things that can make you a better athlete. Sugar-frosted newspaper cannot.", corrected Blake, "Nobody says, _'You know what would make people who eat Wheaties even stronger? Candy flavoring.'_ "

Weiss adds, "There's even chocolate-covered versions with marshmallows! How is any of this supposed to make you a sport-star? If they really wanted to be honest with the ads, they'd be like-"

"Maybe a ripoff kind of Frosted Flakes with added sugar and no wheat, scraping off the top of granulated sugar cubes and dyeing them brown? If kids eat too much of that, they'll be victims to diabetes! So sad, don't you think?", said Ruby, afraid of the thought.

Yang agrees to her sister, "Agreed. Better stick with Cheerios and other cereals too. Frosted Flakes are still tasty, just not too much on a basis."

"Well, it's still fun and Tony's such a great mascot. It's hard not to get sucked in to all this sports-tastic propaganda.", finished Blake, the Frosted Flakes commercial ending.

* * *

 **SIMON**

Weiss amazed with her friends when seeing the start of the commercial, "Whoa. What are all these kids gathered around for?", the boy coming to challenge Simon as the kids mention that nobody beats Simon, "Hey, hey, stand back! Son of a bitch thinks he can take on Simon.", the boy in the commercial giving a girl his jacket, "Wow, girl! I think that jacket just put you through early puberty.", and mimicking as Johnny in the ad, " _'I want to blow away this easily impressed group of fourth graders.'_ "

"Yes. If you take on the challenge of pushing beeping buttons, you get the great reward of them beeping without you pushing them!", impressed Ruby when the boy in the advert was pressing the buttons on the Simon game, before he wins and raises a fist in the air, "I love how politely he thanks the machine before he soaks up the victory. He's like, _' **AAAAAAAH!** I want to thank you for a challenging game. It really did well to enhance my reflexes- **AAAAAAAH!** '_"

Yang surprises, "Look at these kids! It's just Simon, guys! I mean, what do you think this is? Crossfire? You may be cool, Simon, but you're not Crossfire being played by Firebender Prince Zuko cool.", clenching her fist with Ruby doing the same as if they're wearing the Infinity Gauntlet.

"Check out the look he gives when the girl puts the jacket on him. He's just like, _'Girl, you're my bitch now. Simon says I own your ass.'_ ", charismatically said Blake, charming her girlfriend Weiss by saying this and then kissing her on the cheeks.

Weiss giggles enjoyably, "Blake! You're so funny!", before she manages to end the ad, "It ain't Crossfire, but as game commercials go, it's a close second.", the Simon advert reaching to a close.

* * *

 **BURGER KING KIDS CLUB #3**

"So we all know McDonald's has Ronald McDonald, but for a while, Burger King had the Burger King Kids Club. It lasted for a good chunk of time until they realized the '90s wanted to die, and this was the last remaining thread of them. I mean, look at them. They're _drenched_ in the '90s. It even has all the '90s token characters: the token geeky kid, the token Hispanic kid, the token black kid, the token wheelchair kid, and... _two_ token girls?", summarizes Ruby, before pretending to be shocked, "The 90's aren't ready!"

Yang said, "Truth be told, it was kinda neat to have such a wide variety, but they never really had any characteristics like the McDonald's commercials. Ronald was confidently goofy, Grimace was a doofus, Hamburglar was a troublemaker. What are these kids' story?"

"Um...they kidnap kids through black magic?", questioned Blake, "He'd be like, _'This'll take you away from your ethical obligations.'_ "

Weiss included, "They... take pictures of boys bathing? Okay, the token girl and the Simon girl need a talking to."

"Turn away people they don't like?", Ruby wondered, the Burger King Kids Club ad showing kids being accepted and a dinosaur being denied.

Yang objects, "Wha- You're turning away dinosaurs? What's wrong with you?! Your coolness would've gone up a million percent if you had a T-Rex as a member!"

"For a crew that's trying to be so open and accepting, you sure are saying no to a lot of people! Including bagpipers, they're like, _'Screw bagpipe players! They can go to Hell!'_ ", Blake reasons.

Weiss told another example, "No wonder your characters never sold so great. A kid is like, _'Burger King made toys boring. I don't know if they'll ever get a reaction from us aga– Ahh! Spoke too soon!'_ "

"A valiant attempt, but if they don't even mention their names in the commercials, all we're gonna see 'em as is the black kid, the Hispanic kid, and...Cyclops from X-Men. Nicknamed Wheels.", sarcastically finished Ruby as the Burger King Kids Club commercial finishes too.

* * *

 **OREO**

Yang says, "Always a classic jingle for a classic product. But while we all remember how to dunk and eat an Oreo cookie, what is up with these kids' reaction to them? I swear, you could freeze any of these, and it looks like the Oreos are opening up the Dark Dimension from Doctor Strange."

"Look! They even transform this kid into a young Bill Cosby! Which is gonna probably be very bad in the future!", Blake and Weiss dreaded when they saw a African-American kid looking similar to Bill Cosby.

Ruby inclined, "Like the Jello commercials he was in? That takes on a whole new meaning."

"Don't look directly into this boy's eyes, it'll send you directly to Hell!", warned Yang, the four watching the Oreo commercial as they imagine the kid's eyes staring at them, which frightens them as Yang carried Ruby and Blake carried Weiss in their arms, as they scream, " **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!** " The Oreo advert ends.

* * *

 **GAME BOY**

"Well, here it is, folks. The first ever Game Boy commercial. And I'm not gonna lie... They may have overhyped it.", disagreed Blake at the beginning of the commercial.

Weiss said when the four listen to the announcer say that all the power and excitement of Nintendo is in Game Boy, "Really? _All_ the power and excitement of Nintendo, huh? Is that why in this 30-second commercial, there's only _one_ second of gameplay in it?"

"We're not even kidding, Tetris is the only clip of game footage they show!", censured Ruby, "But look! Giant robots on Doctor Who sets like it! And even that's a little awkward. I'm sorry, but seeing a giant machine come out and hold a calculator like a texting Gort doesn't look especially intimidating. He's like; _'The loser has to watch the Keanu Reeves version of The Day The Earth Stood Still.'_ "

Yang laughs when they hear the Tetris part again, "Outrageous Tetris, huh? There's many words to describe Tetris, but outrageous isn't usually one of them. So outrageous that only one second of it can be shown. To show the rest of it would blow your mind too much!"

"Okay, if you wanted to do an ad truthfully, you do it like this, _'Now you can have all the power and excitement of Nintendo right in the palm of your hands! And by "all", we mean literally one color, roughly four bits, and a variety of maybe five sound effects. Really crappy robots from the '60s love it! You could go to Game Gear, which, in hindsight, was a million times better, but because ours was a tiny bit smaller, it bombed! Enjoy what your mom will be playing on her phone in twenty years!'_ ", truly says Blake and Weiss.

Ruby and Yang also joke, "The robot should add at the end to make it funnier, _'Wait, does my existence rely on this? I totally didn't know that–'_ BOOM!", the two sisters laughing together.

"A fun ad, even if it is over-hyped.", consensuses Blake, the Game Boy advertisement concluding.

* * *

 **EGGO**

Weiss remembers, "Yep, who can forget L'eggo my Eggo? The catchphrase nobody said because nobody would ever fight for one."

"But in the commercials, everybody wanted one and would go to crazy lengths to get it. Even though there were clearly many left behind, I feel like these are some extreme lengths to go to, eh, get one of them. What, they come in like packets of eight? Twelve, even counting the character from Stranger Things? Y-Y-You can...come on, guys.", facepalms Ruby.

Yang imagines, "Probably the most extreme is a kid that created an invisibility suit...WITH SCIENCE!"

"You're sinning against time and nature for an Eggo Waffle! The world is not ready for such technology...or deliciousness! It's cute and all, but if these ideas were done today, I think they might've gone a different direction. Maybe, Stranger Things, much?", Blake suggests as Ruby pumps her fist due to the mentioning of Stranger Things.

Weiss said the last part for the Eggo commercial, "Weird, but harmless enough, Eggo knows how to focus on Stranger Things."

* * *

 **CARE BEARS**

"Yeah, as many of you know, the Care Bears were a thing for a while, and that included toys. I'm not even sure I always got them. Like, one was for dress-up. Did...girls like to dress up bears? Was that a thing?", wondered Ruby at the commercial's start.

Yang sarcastically replied, "We're nudist and proud! But strangely enough, the most frightening thing is when they would speak. I know that doesn't sound like anything, but just listen to when they talk. She must've took voice lessons from the girl in The Ring.", shuddering.

"They also make cheap novelties when you can't afford actual presents, as well as ruining birthdays. Yeah, no wonder he has no friends at this party. He's excited to get a Care Bear. We'd be like, _'Stay there, I'm gonna beat you up after this review!'_ ", Blake said sensibly.

Weiss queries, "D'oh, that was not a good frame to freeze on. It's as if to say even the toddlers figure out quickly they're being gypped. Hey, as long as they don't talk, consider yourself lucky, kid."

"We guess they got the job done, but did they have to be so cute-ishly freaky?", exasperated Ruby at the conclusion of the Care Bears ad.

* * *

 **MCDONALDS #4**

Yang started, "This character was kind of cool. He was called Mac Tonight, also known as Moon Man. His whole purpose was to let you know that McDonald's is open later and, dare we say, a classy place to hang out at night?"

"The answer is no, you may not dare to say that.", Blake simply answers, a McDonalds Mac Tonight ad playing with the song.

Weiss admits, "The ads looked cool and the character was pretty neat, but...we're sorry, this would never convince anyone McDonald's is an upscale place to be. It just ain't gonna happen."

"A conversation at McDonalds would be like, _'Mmmm, these McNuggets are especially chickenless today. Oh, hello, Andre!' 'Oh, hello, Alexander! I was busy having a griddle of the "Mc" variety.' 'Oh, how frightfully witty!' 'Why, isn't that Julius from Wal-Mart?' 'Never mind me, I'm just seeing if they still have the McLobster.' 'Oh! Is that a thing?' 'Yes! ...Yes that is.'_ ", mimicked Ruby as the four laughed.

Yang continued nevertheless, "We guess it doesn't help that this moon guy is also a little creepy. Still a cool character, even if he is a bit nightmare-inducing.", the Mac Tonight McDonald's ad ending.

* * *

 **MY INTERACTIVE POOH**

"Oh my god.", Blake said, facepalming and snickering with the others when watching the My Interactive Pooh commercial, before amusingly saying "Why are we talking about extraordinary new poo? Are we having lunch with Grandpa again?"

Weiss nods no when the four heard the Interactive Pooh can interact with a child and computer for hours, "That sounds very unsanitary.", the ad detailing to download and take Pooh fun anywhere.

" _'Take poo fun anywhere.'_ We'd imagine you'd get arrested for something like that.", Ruby and Yang strongly agrees.

Blake tried not to laugh, "Okay, we're way too childish to talk about...a children's commercial, but let's just say this isn't our number-one commercial, but it's definitely our number-two.", the My Interactive Pooh advert denouemented.

* * *

 **FEDERAL EQUAL PAY LAW PSA WITH 60'S BATMAN**

Weiss introduced, "Wow, this goes back: a PSA from when the Adam West _Batman_ show was still on. Let's see what '60s Batman had to throw at us.", the PSA showing Batgirl coming in and talking with Batman and Robin, who are tied up at the moment, about being paid, as she and the other three girls ask, "What?", watching the ad in surprise.

"Okay...where do we start with this?", Ruby clears her throat, "First of all, Adam West is _really_ phoning it in, isn't he? His life is on the line, yet it sounds like he's teaching a geometry class! Second, Batman's kind of an asshole."

Yang told more reasons, "Third, superheroes get paid?! When did _this_ start? Are superheroes getting regular wages? Do they have a union? Plus, I don't know what the paychecks are, but the idea of _anyone_ getting paid less than Robin is friggin' hilarious! Fourth, she's just gonna let Batman _die_?! Kids at home must be pissing themselves! She's about to kill their favorite hero AND a young boy! Batgirl's gonna become everyone's most hated character since The Killing Joke!"

"Fifth, even with the threat of killing Batman, women still aren't given equal pay! This was made back in the '60s, and it's _still_ unequal! We'd rather see one of our favorite superheroes _die_ than give a few more bucks to these weird, tit-ted creatures! Dude, if that's not gonna do anything, I don't know what will." told Blake, " _Sixth_ , while it is well-intentioned, is this really the best time for Batgirl to bring this up? Couldn't they, like, sit down and discuss a back-and-forth or a protest or, we don't know, 'call your Congressman', like you just said? I mean, how awkward must things be between Batman and Batgirl _after_ this situation?"

Weiss concludes, "Must end up with Stranger Things again, isn't it?", Ruby pumping her fist in happiness again due to this mention, "A well-meaning message done in a _hilariously_ ridiculous way, what else could you say but Holy Acts of Congress?", the Batman PSA finishing up.

* * *

 **NORTH AMERICAN HOUSE HIPPO CANADA PSA**

"Here's another PSA from...Canada?", Ruby informed, before the four were scared and warned by this, the leader of team RWBY saying as they prepare to attack with their weapons (Crescent Rose, Ember Cecilia, Gambol Shroud and Myrtenaster), " **No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!** We've been fooled by your PSAs before, Canada! You always try to make them look so friendly and nice, but then there's rape whistles and face-burning injuries and putting things in your mouth! Well, we're ready for you this time, Canada! Do your worst!", as the PSA explains the fictional house hippo at the start.

Yang mocked, "Blah-blah-blah, what the fuck was that?", cocking her Ember Cecilia, the PSA informing the house hippo is in North America, "What?", the narrator describing their habitat and diet in the house.

"What? They're-they're-they're-they're-they're...they eat children or something!", Blake supposed, not trusting as she prepared her Gambal Shroud, "I'm not falling for your cuteness, Canada! **Where are you going with this?!** ", the PSA showing the house hippo's sleeping habitat by the narrator's description.

Weiss thought, "And then they...flamethrower your family? Don't smoke? No, wait, they don't do that. Still.", the four watching the rest of the Canadian PSA, confused when it was revealed to be an ad for the Concerned Children's Advertisers while it ends, "Well, that was...nice. Downright adorable."

"So, let me get this straight, Canada. You start off your dark, disturbing PSAs as cute and innocent, and start off your cute and innocent PSAs as dark and disturbing? ...What are you, Canada? You're like a riddle inside an enigma inside a please and thank you!", Ruby and Yang confused.

Blake and Weiss get the idea, "Okay. Cool. The house hippo. Don't believe everything you see. Fair enough. A cute, harmless, even educational PSA for concerned children's advertisers. Good for you, Canada."

"We will not have nightmares tonight.", Ruby smiled, the four members of RWBY putting their weapons away, "Okay. We good, Canada, we good. Thank you for that enlightening, very pleasant PSA, unlike the previous awful ones you did, Canada. Well...on to the next one.", she says as she changes the commercial.

* * *

 **ELECTRICITY FOOTBALL PSA**

Yang found, "Okay, so here's one from Britain called Electricity Football. Oh, cool. I always wondered what their version of electric football was like.", as the four girls see the start of the PSA where three kids, Darren, Tom and Andy, go to a restricted electric area with a soccer ball in the area.

"Oh, it's _that_ kind of football.", Blake saw what Yang meant by the name of the commercial, "That's fine. I'm still curious to see how kids play that."

Weiss says as the four girls watch the ad as one of the three boys, Darren, decides to go in through the fence, "Not...seeing any plug or boards...", Darren going to the spot where the soccer ball is, "Was this a Parker Brothers game?", she asked, but not before the boy threw the ball, which causes a generator to shock the boy!

"OH, **OOOHHH, JESUS!** OH, GOOD LORD! **OH, SWEET HEAVENLY GOD, NO!** ", Ruby and Yang feared when seeing this part as the latter jumped into the former's arms, while Blake and Weiss do the same with the latter doing the same as well.

When the PSA shows one of the two remaining boys going in too to save his friend, the four girls were afraid what's gonna happen, saying, "Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod!", going faster with every plead.

When Tom went over to save Darren in the PSA, he touches the generator that electrocutes him too!

" **AAAAAAAAHHHH!** AAAAAAHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!-!-!-!** ", screamed Ruby, Yang, Blake and Weiss at the sight of the electrocution in the PSA, leaving Andy and the other kids watching!

The PSA then said a message _'Stay safe. Stay out. Don't take a chance with electricity.'_ , leaving team RWBY in utter shock at this, Ruby carrying Yang and Blake carrying Weiss in fright.

" **We're afraid of Britain now!** **You're New Canada! YOU'RE NEW CANADA!** ", agonized Ruby in sadness and anger.

Yang yelled as her eyes turned red, "Stay out?! OH, TRUST US, WE WILL! **YOU ELECTROCUTE KIDS LIKE BUG ZAPPERS!** YOU'RE SICK! **YOU'RE SICK, BRITAIN! YOU CAN KEEP YOUR TERRY GILLIAM 'CAUSE YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK!** ", the electrocution part shown again, causing the four girls to scream as Ruby helps change the PSA quickly.

* * *

 **STARBURST BERRIES N' CREME**

"Oh, finally, a Starburst commercial...", Blake calmed down after the horrible Britain PSA, "Okay, something a little less freaky.", the four watching carefully as a little lad approaches and asks for Berries N' Creme Starbursts.

Weiss wondered, "Okay, commercial, we'll bite. Where are you going with this?", the little lad in the commercial suddenly singing Berries N' Creme, freaking the team out before it finishes, "Give up. Just...give up. Give up on everything. What are we doing? Is _this_ really what we're paying people to give us now? We're denying good writers such wonderful paychecks so that piece-of-shit writers can give us _this_? _This_ was a gift that only the rare, exceptional talent could give us?"

"It's like, _'And we said, 'Yes. Let's make this a hit. Let's reward the asshole who came up with this on his lunch break stoned off his ass when he went in to pitch this commercial!' And they said, 'Larry! You're stoned off your ass!' And Larry said, 'Yes, I am!' And they said, 'Well, eleven million people are stoned off their asses, too...'cause eleven million people watched it on YouTube! And not only that, they shared it and came back for more!' They said, 'I'm not talented enough to come up with something so ingenious.'_ I know, right? And you got more! There are remixes of this commercial. There's other variations of this commercial from different angles. Completely different, mind you! Look, there's a version where he says this, in which, **THAT _COMPLETELY_ CHANGES THE DYNAMIC OF EVERYTHING IT WAS TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH!**", spoke Ruby in a long monologue.

Yang examples with her sister, "Is this what it takes now? Is this what, like if we wanted to sell something from our dorm, it's like doing the same thing with a stupid non-sensible song! Would stocks just _go through the roof_ if we played that ad?! We'd say no to you, Berries 'n' Creme! We'd say no!"

"We've taken a lot of stupidity over the years, but this lunacy madness take we will not!", pointed Blake to the commercial, "This commercial is awful! It's just stupid and awful! I'm sick of insanity being rewarded! I'm sick of laziness being counted as clever! I WANT...SOMETHING... **TO MAKE...SENSE!** ", she also emphasized, who changes the ad for a better one, or one that is completely worse...

* * *

 **LITTLE BABY'S ICE CREAM  
FINAL COMMERCIAL OF THE REVIEW**

The four girls of team RWBY begin watching the final ad of their seventh commercial review, which shows a humanoid ice cream creature smiling and was eating ice cream. Ruby, Yang, Blake and Weiss look shocked and terrified throughout as it reveals the ice cream humanoid was actually eating himself, as he says, _'There's good reason for my glistening skin. And how my pores are so clean, clear. I eat Little Baby's Ice Cream. It keeps me young. It keeps me light on my feet. I spring from activity to activity. When you eat Little Baby's Ice Cream, you'll wink and nod with great enthusiasm. Ice cream is a feeling.'_ , the disturbing commercial, and yet the last one in the session, concluding.

The four girls have fainted, and then suddenly came back up, Ruby saying, "Okay, okay, yeah. We apologize, a part of us has expired. We...simply had nothing more to give. He tried. He tried very, very hard to look inside ourselves to find something, anything that we could offer. But, in the end, you just took too much, world. You just took too much from us. That part of us will be missed. A moment of silence, if you will.", the four crying in sorrow for a moment.

"Us, on the other hand, _WHAT THE HELL?!_ ", Weiss exclaimed, "This...is the freakiest thing we have ever seen! This is for something called "Little Baby's Ice Cream"?! It would scare the piss out of any little babies watching it! It's so terrifying, we're not even convinced it's made _for_ little babies! We think it's made _out of_ little babies! Don't believe me?! Watch it again and just take out the ice cream part! Tell us if it makes a little too much sense!"

Ruby dramatically said when finishing the final commercial of their session, " **Little Baby's Ice Cream is PEOPLE!** ", concluding, "Well, if there's anything I've learned from this commercial special, it's that fear...sells... _everything_.", before finishing, "So, without further ado, I'm Ruby..."

"I'm Yang..."

"I'm Blake..."

"...and I'm Weiss."

"Pleasant dreams, we remember so you don't have to!", Ruby said as the team left the review, ending the seventh commercial session.

 **End of Episode VII: Battle of the Commercials (AKA: Like You Give A F**K)  
**

 **Eighth is coming!**


End file.
